Bush Calls for Revamping Military After Seeing Cloverfield

Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By The Village Idiot

CAPITOL HILL – President Bush addressed Congress today, calling on it to pass comprehensive legislation to improve our military’s preparedness.  After viewing what he called “a documentary about New York City and the military’s inability to handle a massive crisis there,” the president began urging the legislature to pass a new comprehensive plan that would solve the military’s current inability to handle the threats that the new millennium has brought.

President Bush addressed a nation in mourning, saying, “After watching Cloverfield with my family, I was deeply moved by the loss that New Yorkers must feel.  New York now tops FEMA’s list of areas in need of relief, and government workers have been called from all over the country to help those in need.  And with the help of Congress, this new piece of legislation will give our armed forces the retraining necessary to prevent similar misfortunes in the future.  Training in anti-monster tactics will give our troops the skills needed to defeat this new threat.”

Presidential aides said that an investigation was underway to locate the source of the attack.  One insider indicated that the government has not ruled out possible ties to al-Qaeda or Iran and assured us that this change in direction would not lessen the United States’ dedication to the war on terror.  One key strategic advisor to the Bush administration stated that such a large-scale attack could not occur without a well-funded and widespread operation, suggesting that the War on Terror may have a new, greater foe.

Across the aisle, Democrats called for a special delegation to be sent to the monster to investigate potential violations of U.N. mandated sanctions and urged Congress to use diplomacy before declaring war.  Anti-war and animal-rights activists have planned a demonstration for next Thursday to show their resistance to violence against the monster, and Michael Moore already has a new film in the works to address the issue.