ADMINISTRATOR’S CORNER: “The Year in Review!”
A discussion with Todd Olson, Vice President for Student Affairs; Spiros Dimolitsas, Senior Vice President; Rocco DelMonaco, Vice President for University Safety; and T.J. DeGioia, son of President DeGioia, sitting in for his father
Todd Olson: …so I said, “I don’t care if you are editor-in-chief of The Hoya and it was your April Fools’ Issue. Nobody on this campus is allowed to make fun of the vice president for student affairs without paying for it. Now tell me I’m the best administrator ever or you’re not going to get to run your little rag anymore.” And he did it! Little shits aren’t going to get their independence anyway…
Otto Foots: Okay, so I’m here in The Heckler’s main campus headquarters on the sixth floor of Village C East with Todd Olson, Spiros Dimolitsas, Rocky DelMonaco, and T.J. DeGioia. Thank you all for being here.
Rocky DelMonaco: No problem.
Spiros Dimolitsas: Anything for The Georgetown Federalist.
T.J. DeGioia: Meow.
Todd Olson: What are we calling this, “the year in review”?
TO: Make sure it has an exclamation point too.
OF: Right. So, first question. What have been the highlights of the year for all of you? Dr. Dimolitsas, do you want to start?
SD: Yeah. Well, I have to say the basketball team losing to Davidson was pretty big for me. I bet Paul Betz that Davidson would win and I made quite a bit of cash, which was good because my finances were low. My coffin got ruined when my apartment flooded a few days before, and I wasn’t able to get a new one before the game and had to sleep on the torture device in the living room.
TO: Wow, this was really a banner year for T.O. Where to begin? Well, there was the new alcohol policy, that was great, really going to help with my prospects of promotion, if you know what I mean. Umm, I sold a bunch of student Social Security Numbers for a nice sum. I got to pick the GUSA president I wanted on the second try. And, uh, met a nice lady last weekend. I’m not saying things are getting too serious, but she has said five sentences to me.
RDM: Me? Kicking ass, kicking ass. As always, you know. And breaching students’ privacy. That’s always fun.
TO: You know it!
OF: T.J.? What was the best thing that happened to you this year?
TJDG: Dad let me make a fort in [Riggs Library] out of all the books and I got to play in there for, like, the whole year whenever I came to Georgetown with him. And we got a new tv in our house and new video games and a new couch and dad said he was “gonna milk the university for all it’s worth” for me.
OF: So what was the lowlight of the year for you gentlemen?
TO: DeGioia’s still in power.
T.J. DeGioia starts to sing “Crank That” by Soulja Boy.
SD: Everyone saying that I was a vampire. Thank you guys for letting me write an article about it and publishing it. They’ve stopped now, but I know it will probably get worse again once Halloween rolls around again.
TJDG: You’re a vampire?! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh!
SD: T.J., it’s fine, I’m not a vampire, people just say that because I’m a little quirky.
RDM: He is too a goddamn vampire. Every time we have a fucking meeting he’s staring at my neck the whole time, salivating.
SD: I am not a vampire, Rocky. I just stare at your neck sometimes and, I don’t know… It’s seems like you have a hickey. If I stare at it long enough you know, I don’t know, I just start to imagine, you know… what if I didn’t have a unibrow… hickey…
RDM: So you’re not a vampire, you’re just gay?
SD: What? I am not gay. I’m not gay. It’s okay to stare at a guy’s neck, that doesn’t mean you’re gay or a vampire or anything else.
TJDG: Ahhhhh! Dad said that, Dad said that, that, that, that Dad said, Dad said that the Pope, he said that gays are bad people and Dad said that I should never go near that new [LGTBQ Center] and —
TO: That’s right, T.J. But it sounds like your dad is talking out of both sides of his mouth again. I keep telling the Board of Directors —
SD: Todd, whatever Jack may think, we need to have an LGTBQ Center. If we want to be a forward-looking, world-class university —
RDM: There he goes again with his gay shit.
OF: Gentlemen, I think we might want to get back on tra —
SD: Rocky, you need to stop right now. Just because I am in favor of gay rights —
RDM: Look Dracula, I’m not against the LGTB-thing or gay rights or vampire rights or whatever. But we need to cut the shit and you need to come out as either a vampire or a gay so I can classify you in our system and —
Dr. Dimolitsas sinks his fangs into Mr. DelMonaco and gropes his chest. Mr. DelMonaco pulls out a stake from my bedpost and stabs Dr. Dimolitsas in the heart. Dr. Olson and T.J. DeGioia run out of the room, holding each other and screaming shrilly.