NEWS BRIEFS

AIDS Crisis Resolved
WHITE HOUSE — In a shocking turn of events, the Bush administration claims to have discovered a way of curing the AIDS epidemic running rampant in most of the world.  Seeing the connection that exists between foreign aid and the amount of AIDS in a country, the U.S. government concluded that by cutting off foreign aids to other countries, the amount of AIDS worldwide would decrease.  This program has proved remarkably effective with the cessation of foreign aid to states like South Korea, which boasts a very low amount of AIDS cases.  Further research is being done to see the effects of this program on less-developed regions such as the sub-Sahara, but most assume similar results.

White House officials informed reporters that the Bush administration had been working on this bold policy step for years but had to keep it secret.  Decisions previously viewed as disastrous and senseless, such as the failure to successfully deal with Iran, the alienation of many U.S. allies, and the invasion of Iraq, have now been revealed to be shrewd attempts to divert American dollars away from foreign aid in order to reduce the spread of AIDS.  When asked why this policy of combating AIDS had to be kept secret and American funds wasted in other ventures, White House representatives declined to comment.





Gays Protest “Straight Agenda”
THE DISTRICT — Homosexuals nation-wide have begun gathering at government offices to protest what they deem the “straight agenda.”  Protesters claim that various actions by the “straights” have forced them to voice their opinions.  These “abominations,” as one man termed it, include the pressuring to accept heterosexuals in schools, the media’s habit of primarily reporting on straight people, and “the corruption of the children we have tried so very hard to raise properly.”  Waving multi-colored signs and repeating chants, these people advocate social change to combat what they view as the decaying traditions and values of America.

“This country was founded on the ideals of democracy and traditional morals and views.  We cannot forget our heritage.  The first democracy is filled with examples of men loving other men physically, and the recent trend to force heterosexual values in our children’s minds is toxic to the traditional American way.  We protesters are simply trying to remind Americans of their past in the hope that they will return to the simpler morals of our forefathers,” explained one protest leader.

However, some homosexuals believe that their peers have gone too far in their protest.  Most acknowledged the need for increased activity and awareness, but many criticized the actions of various radical groups, such as the Westboro Gay & Lesbian Group.  Organizations like the one at Westboro group have gone so far as to protest funerals of soldiers, claiming that they deserved to die because America deserves to be punished for its acceptance of its heterosexual citizens.  One Westboro member is reported as saying, “I mean, it’d be silly not to protest the funeral of someone who gave his life for his country and for my own safety, because obviously I should voice my extremely radical and crazy views at a time of great sadness and significance.  Who wouldn’t?”