MSB Honors 32 New Halfbright Scholars
GASTON HALL—In a rousing ceremony in Gaston Hall Monday, George G. Daly, dean of the McDonough School of Business, and President John J. DeGioia recognized the nearly three-dozen MSB students awarded Halfbright Scholarships last week.
“Today is an impressive day,” said Dean Daly before a crowd of nearly 500. “We’re here to honor the modest achievements of some of our most averagely intelligent students who not only exemplify the Jesuit ideal of partying with their lax bros most nights of the week, but also echo the famous words of St. Ignatius to ‘hit it till you quit it.’”
The Halfbright Scholarship was established in 1984 to award the modestly intelligent but still inevitable leaders of tomorrow. Its recipients receive a $50 gift card to Thirds, or equivalent bars in their area, as well as a certificate of achievement and a $25,000 semi-educational grant to study abroad in Australia.
“I want each of you to turn your awards over. On the back you’ll find a sticker,” said President DeGioia while sweating and shifting uncomfortably from foot to the foot as audible groans swept through the chamber’s halls. “Yes, I think you all know how this works.”
Various students stood as DeGioia explained that those with yellow stickers represented the 99.9% of people in the world who are unable to shotgun a beer while those with green stickers represented the 99.9% of people in the world who are unable to wear sweatpants to class before hitting the gym.
“And finally, could everyone with a black stickers stand. This is Brian Gallagher. He represents the less than 1/100th of .1% of people worldwide who have the opportunity to attend an elite university in the United States, do minimal amounts of work, graduate with no debt, and go on to work in their father’s business without so much as applying for a job,” read DeGioia during his off-the-cuff remarks.
“You, all of you, are truly the elite, and today we laud your achievements.”
Long considered one of the nation’s prestigious awards, the road to winning a Halfbright is notoriously difficult. This year a record low 10% of those who applied were even accepted to the second round for consideration. Past recipients have likened receiving a Halfbright to getting Emily from Harbin to go down on you.
While in recent times some have criticized the Rhodes Scholarship for relaxing its physical fitness standards, Halfbright recipients are still expected to pass rigorous endurance tests. According to the Halfbright website, students who are unable to score at least a 48.5 second keg stand are strongly discouraged from applying. Applicants are also required to interview with someone from their dad’s office as a formality.
“It really is an honor to be recognized for having class four days a week, sometimes three, and really kicking ass after halftime last game when coach said we were playing like fags,” said Jason Harrison (MSB 10). “I don’t even know what to say. I’m just really glad my parents and that girl I nailed the other day were able to make it. I do realize how fortunate I am, and I intend to use this opportunity to watch [The] Hangover a bunch more times cause the flight to Australia is fucking long as shit.”
The 32 Halfbright Scholars selected from Georgetown’s business school is the second highest number of recipients since 1997 when Georgetown first began recruiting students from gyms and fitness clubs across the country. And with this year’s crop Georgetown finds itself among the elite, ranking 7th nationwide behind the University of Florida, University of Colorado – Boulder, Texas Tech, and University of Miami, where officials recently added Thirsty Thursdays to the academic calendar.
Past notable Halfbright recipients from Georgetown include the lax seniors of ’02, ’03, and ’05, and Jim Franks (MSB ’99), an I-Banker at Goldman Sachs who makes enough money to endow the school with a dozen scholarships but mostly spends it on blow.