Swine Flu Prevention Spokesman Jack the Bulldog Spotted Eating Own Shit on Copley Lawn

Wednesday, September 30, 2009
By Jose Yomama

COPLEY LAWN—In an incident that has tarnished the credibility of the Office of Public Health, Jack the Bulldog—the public face of the campus swine-flu prevention campaign—was caught devouring his own feces in front of Copley Hall last Wednesday.

At 9:03 Tuesday morning, the Department of Public Safety received an emergency call from a student in Copley.  Looking out his window, the caller reported that a dog matching Jack’s description was “popping a squat” on the lawn.  As DPS sent officers to the scene, the caller continued to describe what he saw:  “Oh, man, it’s a pretty fat load…Oh, OK, he’s done now.  Wait, what’s he…he’s turning around.  Ahhhh, no, don’t do it man….Ooop—yup, he’s doing it.”  Other witnesses claim that they saw Jack urinate on the pile of feces before he consumed it.

Alan Goodson, one of the responding DPS officers, claimed that he had never seen anything so disgusting in his 10-year career.  “The closest thing we’ve had to this was that kid in Darnall who collected his piss in water bottles—but he was just a weirdo.  Jack’s a big man on campus.  I know if I did that, I’d get fired.”

For weeks now, an all-out poster campaign featuring Jack has blanketed campus, with the spokesman instructing students to “wash your hands,” “cover your mouth,” and “stay home” if struck with swine flu.  But soon after the news broke, Charles Medelli, OPH President, announced that Jack had been removed from his position.

“Given the seriously nasty nature of what he did, the Office of Public Health can no longer keep Jack as the face of this campaign,” he said in a press conference Wednesday afternoon. “We chose Jack because we thought he represented the founding values of Georgetown University—civility, Catholicity, dignity, cura personalis, hygiene—but obviously we were utterly unaware of his true nature.”

The public consumption of excrement, however, was not the first episode that called has called into question Jack’s integrity—or cleanliness—this year.  Last May, rumors spread that he had a threesome with two poodles in a trash can near the Jesuit Residence.  While the University was quick to defend the bulldog and dismiss the rumors, and Fr. James Schall took the blame for having sex with the dogs in the trash receptacle, this time Jack’s actions were blatant and undeniable.

Community response to the incident has varied.  Nevertheless, many are outraged, sickened, and disappointed with Jack.

Erin Harding (SFS ’12) expressed her anger: “I think this illustrates the hypocrisy of the market-driven corporate culture that dominates our school and our society.  We’re supposed to eat with utensils, use those hand sanitizer dispensers, and shower, and then they go and hire a caca-eater like Jack the Bulldog to be a spokesman for health.  Ridiculous.”

The saddest part, however, may be the effect the incident has had on the newest members of the University community.

“I trusted him so much,” said Courtney McAnnery (SFS ’13), who had just petted Jack at New Student Orientation a few weeks ago.  “It’s like watching Santa Claus rape and murder a child.”

Student leaders were quick to voice their disapproval.  GUSA Senator Sam Wellington (COL ’12) said,  “If you want to nibble on a good old ‘Alabama candybar,’ I’m cool with that.  Do it in your room.  I’m sure everyone has considered trying it at least once or twice.  Six times if they’re honest with themselves.  But to eat it in plain sight of the student body, and with all the responsibility he has, it’s just unacceptable.”

In a series of swine-flu posters that went up this week, Jack was replaced by the koi from the pond next to White-Gravenor.  It is unclear why they too are considered a good spokesman for avoiding swine flu.

Jack has been put on administrative leave and a statement apologizing was released on his behalf Thursday.  University officials say Jack’s reputation has been tarnished, but it’s not the end of his academic career.  A young Jack DeGioia was caught doing the very same thing outside Harbin in 1983, and he somehow became president.