ADMINISTRATOR’S CORNER: Let’s See Those Little Shits Pre-Register Now
John Q. Pierce IV, University Registrar
Well, the fall semester is nearly over, and it looks like the hard work of the registrar’s office is just about wrapped up. Yes sir, nothing left to do now but sit back, look over some course reviews, and…oh, God dammit! Are you kids trying to register for classes again? Un-fucking-believable. Well, I’ve got a surprise for you folks, because things are going to be a little different in registrar town this year. Let’s see you little shits pre-register now.
Honestly, I thought you pointy-headed bastards would have gotten the message by now. Until last semester, everyone and their sister could just log onto Access+ and sign up for classes whenever they damn well pleased. So I thought, what the hell, let’s get rid of that course schedule page everyone likes to use, and let’s replace it with about six different menu screens, make everyone do a separate search for each department they want to see, and throw in some hidden snags that will ruin their class schedule. That’ll show those tuition-paying fucks! But it didn’t, did it? You just kept asking for more classes like they were tickets to a hot new rap concert. Well, I guess now things are going to have to get serious around here.
Starting this term, the MyAccess site will be replaced with StudentEffort+, a new punch card-based system designed by the freshmen in Professor Miles’ Intro to Computer Science class. After selecting their classes from an updated course catalog consisting of three-year-old syllabi for subjects no longer offered at this university, students will carefully perforate their choices into a standard, regulation-size UNIVAC card, which they will hand-deliver to the office of their dean. Hope you nerds know binary!
And who here likes being stuck on waitlists? Nobody? Well bad news, motherfuckers, because from now on everybody goes on a waitlist, right from the beginning. And it’s just one big waitlist for every class we offer, so you’ll never know what course you’re waiting to get into until it’s already too late. Oh, you didn’t want that 8:00 AM section of organic chemistry, Mr. History Major? Too bad, because everything starts at 8:00 AM now, at least until the day of the midterm when I’ll be moving around class times arbitrarily and without advance warning. How do you like them apples?
Oh, and I hope you’ve got all your graduation requirements good and memorized, because degree audits will now be 100% inaccessible, either to you or your academic advisor. Also, I’ll probably decide to delete some of your credits mid-semester, just for shits and giggles. Good luck trying to unsend those commencement invitations, asshole.
What’s that? You want to go complain to the administration about all the new changes? Bad move, dipshit: you just bought yourself four months of Post-Feminist Literary Theory. Maybe next time you should keep your mouth shut.
Look, it doesn’t have to be this way. If you kids would stop asking for new classes every damn semester, I wouldn’t be forced to develop registration systems so obscenely inconvenient they defy any logical explanation. I just want to be left in peace to do my registrar work without having to worry about all your little hopes and dreams. So you stay out of my hair and I’ll stay out of yours. Deal?
Otherwise I’m just going to put all you little bitches in DeGioia’s class and call it a day.
