Student Affairs Fight Club the Only Thing Keeping Todd Olson Sane, Says Bloodied Todd Olson

HEALY—An underground fight club which takes place every other Thursday night in the basement of Healy Hall is the only thing allowing Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson to maintain his tenuous grip on his sanity, a bruised and bloody Olson told reporters last Friday morning.

“Student affairs isn’t half as sexy as it might sound like,” said Olson, holding an ice pack to a blackened left eye.  “Day after monotonous day of dealing with petty undergraduate student crap—enough already!”

“Only when I’m dripping with sweat and blood after a fight, the cold cement floor beneath my feet and adrenaline rushing through my veins, do I truly feel alive,” Olson added, gingerly touching five fresh stitches above his right cheekbone and moaning quietly to himself.

The fight club began last spring as a late-night Pilates session for Student Affairs employees but devolved into a fortnightly primitive brawl after a debate over the class’s music turned violent in mid-May.

Participants are anticipating a long-awaited match between Olson and Assistant Vice President for Student Health James Welsh, scheduled to take place in late December.

“Welsh might be the more experience fighter, but Olson is scrappier,” said Phillip Mitchell (COL ’11), a student employee in the Office of Student Affairs and a member of the fight club.  “Hair-pulling, biting, I wouldn’t put anything past that dude.”