ADMINISTRATOR’S CORNER: This is Gonna Be the Least Depressing Todd Olson New Year’s Party Ever!

Saturday, December 12, 2009
By Todd Olson, Vice President for Student Affairs
Todd Olson, Vice President for Student Affairs

Todd Olson, Vice President for Student Affairs

Keep it together, Todd!  Keep it together!  Ha ha, that’s right, my annual New Year’s Eve party is almost here, and I can barely contain my excitement!  “You’re like that every year, Todd,” you’re saying, “and it always ends up a complete failure.”  Well, you can shut up.  YOU CAN JUST SHUT UP.  Because this is gonna be the least depressing Todd Olson New Year’s party ever!

Yes, I have to admit it, I throw these every year.  Every year I tell everyone it’s gonna be a success, and every year nobody shows up and I nearly take my own life.  BUT NOT THIS YEAR.  This time, it’s 2010, baby, and Todd Olson’s condo is gonna be rockin’, so don’t come a knockin’!

(Please come a knocking.  I usually open up and leave the door open after nobody comes after an hour or so, but there is a good chance I may miss you if you don’t let me know you’ve arrived.)

BOOM!  Todd-Todd-Todd-Todd Todd-Todd-Todd-Todd OLSON! Todd-Todd-Todd-Todd Todd-Todd-Todd-Todd OLSON! Todd-Todd-Todd-Todd Todd-Todd-Todd-Todd OLSON! Todd-Todd-TODD-TODD-TODDDDDDDDD!

You like that?!  I recorded that on my computer and I’m gonna play it on loops at the party!

You know what?  I know you’re excited as much as I am, but maybe it’s somehow possible you’ve been invited to more than one New Year’s Eve party.  FINE.  As soon as you learn the “deets” I’m about to throw into your face, you’re gonna be crying that Todd Olson’s New Year’s Eve Party is not happening RIGHT NOW.

Okay, so first up is jams.  In the past, I’ve had my friend Virgil from church over to provide jams for us on his accordion and mouth organ.  Or, rather, I did in 2001, he was really busy every year after that, he died in 2006, and every other year I’ve had no music.  But this year I BROUGHT IT, AND BY “IT” I’M REFERRING TO MUSIC.  In addition to the jam above, called “BOOM (Todd-Todd),” I’ve also written this song called “Todd Olson”:

BOOM!  IT’S TODD OLSON!  BOOM BOOM!  IT’S TODD OLLLLSON! BOOM!  IT’S TODD OLSON!  BOOM BOOM!  IT’S TODD OLLLLSON!

Radical, right?

So we’re also gonna have snacks!  That is like the best part of a party, snacks.  Oh man, I can’t have enough snacks!  Usually I get a whole mess of Chicken McNuggets from McDonald’s and I put little tooth picks in them, like I saw in a McDonald’s commercial one time about parties.  And I make them give me all their sweet and sour sauce and barbeque sauce, like all of it in the whole McDonald’s, and I shriek at them at the top of my lungs when they don’t, and then I get home and mix all of that together in a bowl for dipping.  Sound great, right?  Well, this year, I’m not only gonna have that, I’M GONNA HAVE DOUBLE that, and I’m gonna have BANQUET MACARONI AND CHEESE DINNERS from the grocery store, and at the grocery store I’m gonna have them make a chocolate cake IN THE SHAPE OF MY FACE.

BOOM!  IT’S TODD OLSON!  Teeeeeee!  Ohhhhhh!  Teeeeeee!  Ohhhhhh!

Of course, there will be no alcohol.  What would a New Year’s party be with alcohol?  A LAME ONE, to say the least.  And if I think anyone’s been drinking or will go out for champagne after my party, they’re gonna have to take AlcoholEdu.  Just a heads up.  I’ll clear all the trash and unmentionables out of the computer room open just in case.

Lots of people are gonna be there, that’s the most important part.  I haven’t had anyone come since Virgil did that one time, even though I told my secretary I would fire her last year if she didn’t come, but I didn’t fire her in the end.  But this time, it’s so much less depressing!  Todd Olson is rocking the best New Year’s party ever!

Also, the party ends at 10:00.  No exceptions.  I can’t let this throw off my sleep schedule more than a few hours.

So you’d better come!  I mean it, you’d better all come.  I’ve made sure I have enough sleeping pills this year.