Drunk Fan Holds Key to Team’s Success

VERIZON CENTER–With a top 15 national ranking, several marquee wins and a deep run in March well within the realm of possibility, the Hoya men’s basketball team and their fans are finally putting the memories of last season’s collapse behind them. While fans and reporters alike have spent countless hours searching for an explanation for the team’s improvement, a definitive answer has remained elusive. John Thompson III and Hoya players, however, have little doubt as to the reason for their success: the arrival of drunk freshman heckler Brenden Sollen (MSB ‘13).

“As soon as he told me to ‘WIN THE FUCKING TIP YOU PUSSY’ before the Temple game I knew this year would be different,” said Junior forward Julian Vaughn, “I had never thought about it like that. I won that tip.”

“Whenever we lose focus or fall behind, we can count on Brenden’s words of encouragement to get us back in the game,” coach Thompson added. “There were moments last year when we really could’ve used someone screaming ‘GODDAMMIT PLAY SOME DEFENSE’ at us for twenty straight minutes. That’s where Brenden comes in.”

Despite the attention, Sollen remains humble. “I just try to go out there and do my job. It’s really a team effort. All the credit should go to the players. Screaming ‘DUNK THE BALL YOU FUCKER’ is useless unless there is someone there to take your advice and ‘DUNK THE FUCKING BALL.’”

Sollen’s success comes as little surprise to those who know him best. “He comes from a long line of celebrated hecklers,” noted family friend Andrew Bolton. “I remember his dad screaming ‘THROW IT IN THE POST’ uninterrupted for three quarters of a game back in ‘84. I think we all knew that was going to be a special year.”

Sollen’s spent his childhood learning the art of heckling at his father’s side, marveling at the power and influence of a man with little to no strategic knowledge of basketball.

“I can still remember the day I knew I wanted to follow in his footsteps,” said Sollen. “I was playing point guard for my middle school’s team and my dad kept screaming ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU’ every time I missed a shot. Totally changed my perspective on the game. He was asked to leave the building, but his message stuck with me.”

Even with such a storied lineage, few expected Sollen to have such an immediate impact. According to Thompson, “We had obviously heard that Brenden would be joining us this year, but we never expected so much so soon. He’s really living up to his potential. It takes most guys a year or two to adjust to screaming at the college game.”

Any questions about Sollen’s talent were answered within the season’s first few games, as nearly every player showed significant improvement over their previous year’s form. When asked about his impressive three-point shooting to start the year, Junior guard Austin Freeman gave all the credit to Sollen. “It really helps me to hear ‘MAKE IT MAKE IT MAKE IT MAKE IT’ whenever I put up a shot. Brenden knows how to keep you focused on your goals. I don’t think there’s a single guy on this roster who hasn’t raised his game to meet Brenden’s impossible expectations.”

Perhaps nothing attests to Sollen’s value more than the impact of his recent absence from last week’s game against South Florida. The lack of Sollen’s heckling left the Hoyas noticeably sluggish, resulting in the team’s first Verizon Center loss of the season. “We really missed him out there tonight,” remarked Thompson in his post-game press conference, “it’s just hard to stay focused without Brenden there yelling ‘PLAY A GODDAMN ZONE’ regardless of whether we are already playing a zone defense.”

Though Thompson offered Sollen a spot as team manager to ensure his presence at the rest of the Hoyas’ games, Sollen respectfully declined, repeatedly shouting “CALL A FUCKING TIMEOUT” at the baffled head coach.