FROM THE EDITOR: We Hate All of Human Civilization Equally
Though my first issue as editor of this illustrious publication should be a time of celebration, I feel I have no choice but to break from the traditional coke-fueled orgies of an editor’s first week to address the troubling accusations that have been directed at the Heckler since the publication of our last issue.
As you may have heard, recent reports by various student groups, University administrators, national news organizations, and something called “the internet” have labeled the Heckler and its team of writers as “insensitive,” “angry,” “hateful,” “racist,” and even… “super racist.” As much as I wished to dismiss any controversy as yet another mess left by my incompetent predecessor, I knew I had to respond to such disgusting, slanderous accusations. These terribly untrue charges have hurt all of us deeply, and threaten the credibility of our esteemed publication as a whole. The notion that the Heckler has singled out any particular group for ridicule is simply outrageous. Anyone familiar with us knows that we hate all of human civilization equally.
These recent accusations of racism strike at the heart of the Heckler’s mission. Throughout our storied history we have worked tirelessly to prove that all humans are horrible, disgusting filth. To accuse us of channeling our hatred toward one specific race is to ignore years of vitriol aimed at the entire rotting corpse of humanity. Yet if one listens to our critics’ recent claims of the Heckler’s racism toward African-Americans, one is left with the troubling impression that there are certain groups that we do not despise. Some groups might even think that we like them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here at the Heckler, all of humanity is united under a banner of equality. We hate every single person, including ourselves, equally. The mere presence of human beings walking this Earth stirs a pure, rabid, unquenchable hatred deep within our souls. It makes me physically sick to think that there are any members of the Georgetown community that believe the Heckler does not hate them with every fiber of its being.
We cannot, however, pretend that we are blameless in this situation. While the accusations that we hate one particular group more than all others are unquestionably false, we must acknowledge our role in creating the environment in which such baseless lies were able to thrive. It it clear that we have failed to fully transmit just how much we hate every single member of the Georgetown community. The time has come for the Heckler to issue an apology to all those who were left with the sadly misinformed belief that we do not consider them despicable garbage. We’re sorry. As the Heckler’s new editor, I pledge to rectify this terrible injustice, and I will do everything within my power to ensure that each and every soul at Georgetown feels the full extent of our hate, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. We are all humans. Disgusting, worthless pieces of shit.