Sexiled Roommate Masturbanishes Common Room

McCARTHY—James Frankfort (COL ’12) displaced three floor-mates from the McCarthy 3rd floor common room Thursday, following his own sexiling by roommate Andrew Brooke (MSB ’12). Brooke returned to their one room double Thursday night with a female companion, later identified as Lucy Young (COL ’11). Returning to his room late that night, Frankfort found his door locked and sounds indicating the room would be occupied for the near future. As Frankfort explains, “I was a little drunk and didn’t know what to do, so I went into the common room where a few kids were watching TV, I think it was a rerun of The OC or something. Well, one thing led to another and…”

“He didn’t even warn us what he was going to do. He just sort of took it out and started,” recounted sophomore Erik Miller (COL ’12). “I don’t even get what set him off. It all began during one of those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan. I thought he started crying at first, and then suddenly his pants were off. What the fuck.“

The group of three students, rounded out by Claire O’Brien (MSB ’12) and Ben Ornstein (SFS ’12), immediately fled the scene, effectively “masturbanished” from the vicinity. “Really, they should be grateful,” said Frankfort, “last time I had to do it in the lobby.”