With No News Offices to Go to, Protestors Forced to Stage Sit-In in Heckler Editor’s Bedroom

Sunday, January 31, 2010
By Scissory Jamison

BURLEITH—People offended by The Georgetown Heckler’s December issue marched to Burleith and staged a sit-in in the bedroom of its editor last month after being unable to find any other headquarters for the poorly-read website. “Oh God, here, let me move some of this stuff,” the editor, Otto Foots, said, pushing a pile of Fla-Vor-Ice wrappers under his bed to make the room seem slightly less trashed and depressing as the protestors came in. Some protestors found spots to sit on piles of The Hoya scrawled with drawings of various Pokemon, but only a few of the twenty people who came were able to fit in the small space, and many were repulsed by the yellow-brown liquid leaking from the ceiling that Foots did not acknowledge. The protestors were silent, holding and reading the articles they found offensive and had been forced to print off the Internet because the publication has no budget to print issues.

Foots also sat quietly on his bed for several minutes, staring apprehensively at the protestors, until he at last broke the silence again.

“So do you guys mind if I masturbate?” Foots said, as an Associated Press reporter stuck a voice recorder in his face. “This is the time of day I usually masturbate, and I really don’t want to mess up my schedule. So…,” he trailed off, before sheepishly turning towards the wall away from the protestors and sticking his hand in his Georgetown basketball shorts.

Foots later watched a succession of weird animal videos on his laptop. Protestors left soon after Foots asked them if they wanted to “see some really offensive stuff” on another Internet website, 4chan.