ADMINISTRATOR’S CORNER: My Summer Diary
If there is one complaint I hear from students more than any other, it is that there is too little interaction between administrators and students. “T-dawg,” they say (they call me T-dawg), “We all know you are a highly respected university administrator of student affairs and accomplished sexual conquistador, but surely that is just one side of the man they call the Olsonator. How can we get to know more about the man behind the passionate and often seductive emails regarding details of campus policy we all look forward to receiving each week?” “Well, S-dawgs,” I say (I call them S-dawgs), “this has been an area of concern for me for quite some time. What kind of community of learning would we be if we did not allow students to get to know the administrators they so admire and desire?” (A bad one.) And so, to help bridge this gap, I have generously offered to give students a glimpse into the whirlwind summer that awaits your very own Vice President of Student Affairs:
MAY: If you ask students, faculty, or the carpet cleaners I pay to clean my condo weekly because (though they are too shy to admit it) they are my best friends, you’ll soon find out that there’s only one way to properly kick-off the summer: with an invitation to the “Olson Family and Friend Summer Barbeque.” Though no one has ever shown up (except for my friend Virgil from church that one time but that doesn’t count because Virgil is lame and a total cockblock), everyone knows that me cornering you late at night and threatening to release your social security number until you agree to maybe consider coming to my barbeque means that summer has officially arrived. And this year’s barbeque is going to as big as a one-bedroom condo filled with inflatable Japanese love pillows can handle, so there’s no excuse to miss it.
We’re gonna have ol’ Todd here cookin’ up some pizza rolls in the kitchen while all the dames dance up a storm in the foyer/living room to the sweet sounds of my own personal (clean) covers of Kidz Bop’s Greatest Hits. For drinks there will a be a keg. NOW WAIT A MINUTE, TODD (this is what you thinking right now)–CERTAINLY YOU ARE NOT PLANNING TO RUIN YOUR BBQ WITH THE POISONOUS INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL, ARE YOU? ALCOHOL USE CAN RESULT IN IMPAIRED DECISION MAKING, MEMORY LOSS, LIVER FAILURE, AND MOST COMMONLY, DEATH. Of course not (I will say in response to you). Alcohol causes all of those things, and all of the barbeque guests will be told this in a video I will play on my TV. Instead of the alcohol, the keg is gonna be filled with drinkable yogurt, dummy! It’s far safer and more fun than alcohol but I will still take everyone’s keys away at the door and hide them so that they have to stay forever and ever and always be my friend. People will be talking about this summer kick-off barbeque for years because I will tell them about it at every possible occasion.
JUNE–AUGUST: Intentionally spill things onto carpet to maintain human contact. Also, online Scrabble.