B-Frat Bro’s Life Peaks At Age 20

Wednesday, April 21, 2010
By Dick Trousers

BURLIETH–B-Frat Bro Jake Childress’ (MSB ’12) life reached its pinnacle late Friday night after his IM softball team’s 9th Inning comeback victory coincided with the delivery of three thirty-racks of Busch Light to his fraternity’s off-campus house. “It doesn’t get any better than this,” a euphoric Childress was heard to shout as he shotgunned his sixth beer of the night and his life began its slow, inevitable descent into bitter resentment and self-loathing. Though Childress cited an upcoming internship with Morgan Stanley and a “totally legit” fake ID as reasons for optimism regarding his future, he remained unaware that nostalgic looks back upon his current drunken debauchery will be all that sustain him through subsequent decades of resentment-filled relationships and a series of semi-lucrative yet unfulfilling jobs. “This night fuckin’ rocks!”, the blissfully unaware Childress shouted as he placed his arm around the girl he will soon impregnate with a child who will resent his emotionally distant father.