College Dems Dorm Captain Somehow Letting Power Go To His Head
DARNALL–Merely one week after being named the College Democrats’ Darnall Hall Dorm Captain for 2010-11, sources indicate that freshman Kyle Fitzpatrick (SFS ‘14) has already let the job’s minimal power and responsibilities go to his head.
Though his role as dorm captain leaves Fitzpatrick in charge of little more than putting up widely ignored flyers and planning poorly attended social events, the freshman’s recent behavior has seen him exaggerate and abuse his non-existent power.
Late Monday afternoon saw Fitzpatrick call yet another one of his sparsely-attended press conferences at a podium installed outside of his first floor dorm room. Clad in a flowing, imperial-style robe and golden diadem, Fitzpatrick methodically went through a PowerPoint presentation outlining his “48-Point Plan” for turning Darnall into a “Fitzpatrick-style” Democratic stronghold by winter break.
“This great hall represents merely the first brick upon which a decades-long majority shall be built,” said Fitzpatrick in a speech addressed to “the American People.” “I have been handed a monumental responsibility, and I intend to execute my plan in manner that shall not soon be forgotten,” he added, majestically raising his arms to welcome
Fitzpatrick has reportedly already moved to undermine the other two Dorm Captains assigned to Darnall, seeking to consolidate his grip on the College Dems’ dorm empire.
“Yeah, he’s been leaving these weird, threatening messages on my voicemail for, like, the past week,” says Lizzie Ford (COL ‘14), one of the Darnall Dorm Captains that Fitzpatrick is trying to undermine the scant power of. “Do you know why? Oh, shit, seriously? College Dems? Fuck, I totally forgot I was Dorm Captain. Is there a meeting this week? No? Okay, good.”
When asked to comment, Mitchell Stevens (COL ‘12), President of the Georgetown College Democrats, insisted that his organization’s leadership had no idea that Fitzpatrick would conduct himself in a way befitting someone with real, tangible power. “We just gave him the position because we needed three Captains for Darnal, and only three kids applied. We had no idea he would take this so seriously. I don’t even take my job seriously.”
Added Stevens, “Although, to be honest, I started to worry a little bit when he came to the leadership meeting and kept asking me to grant him an unlimited term length.”
Beyond simply attempting to expand his power, however, Fitzpatrick also has begun to abuse his few actual responsibilities. In addition to demanding the voting, educational, and medical records of all students under his ever-increasing power, reports indicate that Fitzpatrick has been embezzling College Dems funds, diverting $10 intended for sodas for an upcoming common room event to commission a portrait of himself in full ceremonial dress.
Henry Glassman (COL ‘14), Fitzpatrick’s roommate, is not surprised by his roommate’s behavior.
“This has happened before,” explains Glassman. “He plays on my flag football team, and whenever we practice, he’s always trying to get me to lead a coup against our starting quarterback. After a while, it just gets to the point where I’m like, ‘Dude, just run your fucking route,’ you know?”