DPS Celebrates Success of New “Don’t Catch on Fire” Backup Fire Safety Plan

HARBIN–Department of Public Safety officials downplayed the recent failure of Harbin Hall’s fire alarm system this past week, instead pointing to the success of the department’s recently instituted “Don’t Catch on Fire” backup fire safety plan.

The backup plan’s success was demonstrated following the discovery of a drug lab on Harbin’s 9th floor, an event that required the evacuation of the hall’s residents. When the residence hall’s fire alarms proved inactive, DPS officials were prepared with a response.

“We didn’t get too worried when we realized that none of the fire alarms were working,” said DPS Official Wallace Mitchell.  “We simply ordered our officers to enter the building and calmly and efficiently instruct its residents to ‘GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER OH GOD OH GOD JUST GET OUT DON’T CATCH ON FIRE DEAR GOD GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS POSSIBLE.’”

Though there was ultimately little threat of fire, officials saw the successful evacuation as proof of their complex plan’s ability to initiate a safe and orderly evacuation in the absence of fire alarms.

“Pretty much everyone probably got out eventually,” said Mitchell.

The plan represents the conclusion of years of intensive study by DPS researchers into the safest way to avoid fire-related death or injury.

“Study after study has shown that there is only one way to completely eliminate the risks to human life associated with fire and that is to not catch on fire,” said Director of Public Safety Sean Kamper.  “As a result, we have worked tirelessly to design a plan that makes sure students are aware that they should not catch not fire in case the fire alarms once again malfunction.”

Implementation of this plan has seen signs posted around campus buildings educating students as to what a fire might look like and, if one is spotted, instructing them to not walk directly into it.

Though some students complained that the new backup plan came at the expense of increased attention to fire alarm and extinguisher maintenance, officials dismissed their complaints as shortsighted.

“We’re still focused on that stuff or whatever,” said Kamper, “and besides, once our students get good enough at not catching on fire we won’t even need fire alarms anymore.”