Georgetown Lecture Fund Announces New, All Bradley Cooper Lineup
Citing its overwhelming success and the ever-increasing vapidity of the Georgetown student body, the Georgetown Lecture Fund announced Friday that its lecture lineup for the 2010-2011 would consist solely of appearances by well-known actor and former Hoya Bradley Cooper (COL ’97).
“We were really excited and emotionally validated by the student response to Bradley’s lecture,” said Gregory Patel, the chair of the Lecture Fund, tripping over Cooper’s first name in a forced and transparent ruse of familiarity. “The Lecture Fund was established to enrich Georgetown by bringing insightful and enlightening speakers into the intellectual conversation on campus, and a lineup consisting solely of appearances by the esteemed Bradley Cooper represents the ultimate realization of this goal.”
Cooper, best known for his roles in The Hangover and Wedding Crashers, last appeared on campus this past September, where he gave a brief speech on his experience at Georgetown followed by a question and answer session. While several students took advantage of the opportunity of academic dialogue to solicit Cooper for hugs, articles of clothing, and the eternal spiritual bond of marriage, many felt slighted by their limited exposure to the “piercing-eyed” actor.
“I really tried as hard as I could, but I could only get a little bit of his hair and what I think is the top part of his ear,” bemoaned Katherine Hayes (COL 11), “it’s barely big enough to string on a necklace.”
“Feedback regarding our event told us that there just wasn’t enough Bradley Cooper to go around,” said Patel. “Our aim with this new Cooper-centric schedule is to give everyone an equal opportunity to come into intimate intellectual or physical contact with [Cooper], or at the very least verbally abuse him from a short distance. It’s this kind of responsiveness to student body that has made the Lecture Fund so wildly, wildly popular.”
The number of appearances this year has yet to be determined, Patel says the number will be “around 12-15.” The talks will be of various formats, from traditional lectures to town halls to “teatimes,” where students will have the opportunity to embarrass themselves while simultaneously harassing Cooper in a more intimate setting.
Not all celebrated the announcement, however.
“Honestly, I don’t give a damn anymore,” said Kathryn Kay, the Fund’s staff advisor, “These kids obviously don’t understand or care about any of the goals the administration had in mind when they set aside the funding for this group. Fuck it. I’m done.”
Patel disagreed, pointing to the long list of luminaries the organization has brought to campus since its founding.
“We’ve had Condoleeza Rice, Michael Bloomberg, Ron Paul, McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner,” said Patel. “Plus I think we might be able to get that Justin Bieber guy next.”