GUTV To Reevaluate Lineup After Loss of Sole Member of Viewing Audience

LEAVEY–Georgetown University Televison’s programming board announced plans to radically overhaul the station’s lineup of shows this past Thursday, following the recent decision of the station’s viewer Darren Rippeon (MSB ‘13) to transfer his viewership to another channel.

In a move that sent shockwaves through GUTV management, Rippeon, GUTV’s sole viewer, spent last Tuesday night watching an hour-long episode of Glee instead of GUTV’s scheduled programming.

The switch marked the sudden end of a fruitful two semester-long relationship between GUTV and its once-loyal viewer.

Following last semester’s discovery that Rippeon was the only Georgetown student currently enjoying GUTV’s programming, the station’s programming board immediately set to work creating content tailored specifically to appeal to its viewing audience’s interests.

Among the resulting shows aired by GUTV this past spring were Fun Times With Aristotle, a program featuring a graduate student explaining critical parts of Rippeon’s philosophy readings; Dorm Cookin’ Made Easy, a food show highlighting convenient recipes for Rippeon’s favorite brand of macaroni and cheese; and Beautiful Geisha Happy Smile Sexytime Hour, a syndicated, pornographic Japanese soap opera that Rippeon had previously been downloading from the Internet.

“For a while, it went really well,” says Blake Sorensen (COL ’11), GUTV’s General Manager. “We just really tried to aim at Darren with everything that we put on the air, and it eventually paid off in a big way. From March to May, our weeknight programming was being watched by 100% of our target audience.”

The relationship’s initial success, however, only heightened the shock of losing their most-dedicated viewer.

“No one saw this coming,” says Sarah Milton (COL’11), GUTV’s Programming Director. “It makes no sense why our target audience would just abandon us like that. I mean, we analyzed his viewing patterns, we focus grouped him, we hacked into his computer and checked his YouTube viewing history…what else could we do?”

“You think that we want to air a show that’s just a staffer reading out stolen answers from an Econ exam that Darren is taking next week?” asked Milton, referring to Next Week’s Econ Answers, a program that debuted last March to rave reviews from Rippeon.  “That’s airtime we could be using for something normal like JesRes: The Sitcom.

Despite GUTV’s plummeting ratings, which have slid from a record-high .00014% share of the undergraduate student body to a lagging 0% share, Sorensen maintained that the foundations of the network’s programming remain strong.

“Hey, we have to look on the bright side of things here,” said Sorensen. “I mean, we actually had someone watching our shows for a while. That’s not something that every GUTV General Manager gets to say. And, hey, if we keep working at it, maybe we’ll even have two viewers someday. How cool would that be?”

“We’ll just have to re-focus our efforts, and hopefully develop something that Darren finds appealing,” Sorensen continued. “We have a great concept for a show about hilarious things that freshmen do. He’d probably like that, right? Who wouldn’t like a show about that?”

When asked what sort of programming might lure him back to GUTV, Rippeon explained that he only watches Glee because Lea Michele, who plays lead character Rachel Berry, is “totally hot.”

“Do you think GUTV could get her to make a guest appearance on Sexytime Hour?” asked Rippeon.