Four Loko To Introduce New Alcohol, Caffeine, Calorie-Free Edition

CHICAGO–At a press conference on Friday, Phusion Projects, the producer of the popular alcoholic energy drink “Four Loko,” announced plans to introduce a new version of the drink that is free of alcohol, caffeine, and calories.

“We recognize that consumers value Four Loko for its cool, crisp taste, not its alcoholic or stimulatory properties,” said Phusion CEO Derrick Mintz. “We’re confident that our new product will do just as well as the old one.”

Phusion’s new drink, called “Four Loko Lite,” is composed of fresh spring water, infused with the bitter, acrid aftertaste that made the original drink so popular.

Throughout the presentation, Mintz explained how consumers were initially drawn to Four Loko for its low price, great taste, and convenient packaging, traits that Phusion intends to carry over into  Four Loko Lite.

“With Loko Lite, you’re still getting all of the things that made the original Four Loko so appealing,” said Mintz, “Obviously, it was inconvenient to have to remove the alcohol and caffeine, but it’s not like people were buying Four Lokos specifically because of those two ingredients.”

Later in the press conference, Vice-President of Operations Ryan Beeson explained how Phusion, from a business standpoint, would actually benefit from Four Loko Lite’s lack of alcohol, caffeine, or calories.

“This reformulation is a blessing in disguise for Phusion, and for Loko-lovers everywhere,” proclaimed Beeson. “Since it has no alcohol, we can now target Four Loko to the under-21 demographic, which we have had to ignore for so long.”

Beeson then pulled out a can of Four Loko Lite and announced, “Get ready, college students of America! Four Loko Lite is ready to rock your world!”

Marketing Director Will Hatfield struck a similarly optimistic tone, saying that, ultimately, Four Loko’s fresh taste would allow it to overcome a reformulation.

“If there’s one thing that the incredible sales of the original Four Loko proves, it’s that Americans love high-quality, great-tasting beverages,” declared Hatfield. “I mean, we’re talking about a drink so great-tasting that people were drinking themselves to death with it. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, then I don’t know what is.”

Additionally, Phusion executives have expressed hope that Four Loko Lite’s calorie-free nature will entrench the drink as a workout staple and potential diet tool. The new “Blitz” flavor is targeted towards gym patrons, with an aftertaste designed to remind gym-goers of the sweat and toxins that they are purging from their bodies with exercise.

The introduction of Four Loko Lite comes in response to a recent ban of Four Loko by the Food and Drug Administration. The ban was issued after an FDA investigation deemed the caffeine in Four Loko to be  an “unsafe food additive,” and ruled that the drink cannot continue to be sold in its current form.

When asked how the FDA ban on the original Four Loko will affect the Georgetown campus party scene, student Harry Arias (COL ‘12) shrugged, and then proceeded to pour a can of Red Bull into a handle of vodka.