Freshmen Reluctantly Return to Just Committing Alcohol Violations

HARBIN–After one of the more criminally eventful semesters in Georgetown’s history, the Class of 2014 recently acknowledged the need to act as more responsible members of society. Freshman Jeffrey Barnes (NHS ’14) explains the maturation that he has seen in his fellow students, “While there was a unique thrill to synthesizing high powered psychedelics and experimenting with narcotics, we’ve come to realize that one can have plenty of good natured fun with just a couple 30 racks of Natty and a handle of Burnett’s.” Fellow students have also noticed the improvements in their fellow underclassmen’s behavior. Christine Walker (COL ’12), the VCW 3 RA said, “Things have become a lot quieter this semester. I had to break up a party while on duty last Thursday. I almost felt bad, it was just 20 kids having a good time, plus a couple more that were passed out in their own puke. After writing them up, I gave them a little wink and whispered ‘thank you’ before walking out.” VP of Student Affairs, Todd Olson, added, “Our freshman class has completed the time-honored transition from out of control maniacs to boozed up douchebags. This is truly something to be proud of and a testament to the value of a Georgetown education. It’s hard to believe they’ll soon be entering the real world as our very own high-functioning alcoholics.”