CAMPUS – After years of delays, university officials are once again moving ahead with plans for a new Persecution of Science Center, thanks to a timely grant from the Vatican’s Pontifical Academy of Scientific Ignorance. “We are delighted that the Vatican’s generous gift has allowed us to move forward on this important project,” Provost James O’Donnell... »
McDONOUGH—Despite its realistic letterhead and fancy cursive handwriting, a fake doctor’s note failed to excuse junior Nikita Mescheriakov from his basketball team’s layup drill on Sunday. The note, which requested that the 6’7” small forward be allowed to sit out of practice as a result of “major appendicitis” and “also some headaches” was produced... »
ICC—Students in David Lester’s Introduction to Language class are voicing concern and agitation that the adjunct professor may be using his course syllabus as a window into the darkened recesses of his soul. Lester, who arrived 15 minutes late for his 10:45 class wearing a pair of wrinkled chinos, Reebok sneakers, and a corduroy jacket... »
CAMPUS — Following a string of break-ins that have left students feeling both deeply shaken and strangely indulged, the Department of Public Safety is still searching for the mysterious criminal known only as the Georgetown Coddler. The Coddler, described as a 5’11” white or Hispanic male with an avuncular demeanor, is suspected in more than... »
CAMPUS — University officials were shocked to discover on Tuesday that Fr. Henry O’Laughlin, a nonagenarian Jesuit and one of the most beloved religious symbols on campus, had been defaced in an apparent act of vandalism. The 91-year-old Fr. O’Laughlin, whose stone-like demeanor and lack of response to human stimuli have often caused him to... »
VATICAN CITY – After an extensive two-month probe, Catholic officials have determined that the conduct and lifestyle of resident canine Jack the Bulldog are in “serious violation of the Roman Catholic faith,” a Vatican spokesman announced Friday. Jack, who has served as Georgetown’s official mascot since 2003, is accused of more than two dozen violations... »
WASHINGTON—Still reeling from revelations of sexual misconduct by Rep. Mark Foley (R-Florida), House Speaker Dennis Hastert today warned that House Republicans “must get on the same page as quickly as possible.” “Ever since this scandal broke, it seems like everyone around here has been on a different page,” Hastert (R-Illinois) said at a press conference... »
