Author Archive

DPS Celebrates Success of New “Don’t Catch on Fire” Backup Fire Safety Plan

Friday, November 12th, 2010
DPS Celebrates Success of New “Don’t Catch on Fire” Backup Fire Safety Plan

HARBIN–Department of Public Safety officials downplayed the recent failure of Harbin Hall’s fire alarm system this past week, instead pointing to the success of the department’s recently instituted “Don’t Catch on Fire” backup fire safety plan. The backup plan’s success was demonstrated following the discovery of a drug lab on Harbin’s 9th floor, an event... »

Sparsely Attended Office Hours Converted To Jackin’ Hours.

Friday, November 12th, 2010

ICC–In an effort to ensure that his weekly office hours not go unused, this past Wednesday afternoon saw Sociology professor Andrew Dent once again convert time meant to assist students with their academic questions into an hour of vigorous self gratification. “I don’t see what else I’m supposed to do,” said a visibly... »

String of Campus Fires Linked to DeGioia’s Discovery of Matches

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010
String of Campus Fires Linked to DeGioia’s Discovery of Matches

HEALY–The source of a string of fires on Georgetown’s campus has been traced to rambunctious University President Jack DeGioia’s recent discovery of matches, Department of Public Safety officials reported Thursday. While the fires in New South, New North, and Harbin Hall had stumped DPS officers seeking to determine their cause for weeks, investigators... »

B-Frat Bro’s Life Peaks At Age 20

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

BURLIETH–B-Frat Bro Jake Childress’ (MSB ’12) life reached its pinnacle late Friday night after his IM softball team’s 9th Inning comeback victory coincided with the delivery of three thirty-racks of Busch Light to his fraternity’s off-campus house. “It doesn’t get any better than this,” a euphoric Childress was heard to shout as he shotgunned... »

Plan A Hoyas Protest Condom Ban Through Unprotected Sex With GAAP Weekend Visitors

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

HEALY LAWN–Members of the student group “Plan A: Hoyas for Reproductive Justice” protested Georgetown’s conservative sexual health policies this past weekend by having unprotected sex with accepted high school students visiting on their GAAP weekend. Plan A members impregnated and/or infected the high schoolers on Healy lawn while shouting slogans highlighting the cost... »

Public Masturbators Celebrate Expansion of University Wireless

Sunday, February 28th, 2010
Public Masturbators Celebrate Expansion of University Wireless

COPLEY LAWN–Georgetown’s community of public masturbators rejoiced this past Wednesday as University officials announced plans to expand the availability of wireless internet on campus. Though the long-awaited announcement was celebrated across all corners of campus, the news brought particular joy to the dark alleys and cramped library study carrels in which Georgetown’s public... »

Student’s First Drug Deal Fails to Live Up to Expectations

Sunday, February 28th, 2010
Student’s First Drug Deal Fails to Live Up to Expectations

DARNALL–Freshman Kevin Trammel’s (COL ‘13) first drug-purchasing experience fell disappointingly short of expectations this past weekend, the 18-year-old said Tuesday. “I always thought my first drug buy would be filled with danger and intrigue but it ended up just being kind of boring,” said Trammel. “Not once did I feel threatened even a... »

Lau Not Up To Homeless Man’s Standards

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

LAUINGER–Washington, DC native and local homeless man Chester Walsh (GW ’76) was overheard saying that “he could do better” as he exited Georgetown’s Lauinger Library late Thursday afternoon. Though the library’s liberal entrance policies have earned it a reputation among the area’s homeless community as a popular daytime hangout spot, Walsh expressed disappointment... »

Vox Populi Blogger Forgets to Include Factual Error

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

LEAVEY–Vox Populi blogger Kate Bradley (COL ’11) faced scrutiny this weekend after failing to include the publication’s customary factual error in her most recent post. Despite ample opportunity for mistakes, Bradley’s post “Walsh Gallery to Host Local Art Festival” correctly identified all relevant names, organizations, locations, dates, and times. Though the embarrassing gaffe... »

Magis Row Accepts Proposal For “Todd Olson Friendship House”

Sunday, January 31st, 2010
Magis Row Accepts Proposal For “Todd Olson Friendship House”

N STREET–Citing the need for “greater student-faculty partnership,” officials from Georgetown’s Office of Residence Life announced this past Friday that a “Todd Olson Friendship House” would be joining next year’s lineup of Magis Row townhouses. In accordance with Magis Row’s goal of “allowing groups of students to explore their shared interests with Georgetown faculty... »