As all of you know, health is one of the foremost issues for which the Heckler editors are currently crusading. We know how hard it is in this modern day and age to eat right, exercise and stay fit. Obesity is one of the many challenges that we as a nation will face in... »
Author Archive
FROM THE EDITOR: Todd Olson Doing Right For Georgetown Waistlines
Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
STAND to Hold “Darfornication” Fundraiser
Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
CAMPUS — Students Take Action Now – Darfur, the Georgetown founded human rights advocacy group, unveiled its most recent ambitious fundraiser Monday. The event, known as “Darfornication,” will be held on November 15th at the Kennedy Center and is expected to raise nearly $15 million in relief funds. “We’re really excited about Darfornication,” said STAND... »
Vatican Declares Genetic Manipulation A Deadly Sin; DeGioia Goes Into Hiding
Monday, April 7th, 2008
CAMPUS – Georgetown President John “Rub Me Till I Purr” DeGioia has been missing for three weeks now since the Vatican announced its new list of deadly sins, which includes genetic manipulation. DeGioia, the result of a horrible experiment gone wrong, has not been seen since the new sins were leaked to the press. The... »
DeGioia Seeks Independence from University
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
CAMPUS – Georgetown University President Jack “If there’s grass on the field” DeGioia recently met with University administrators to discuss a potential move towards independence. DeGioia has been actively seeking independence from the University since Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson called him fat seven years ago. “This is about integrity. I can’t tyrannically... »
Rogue Party Patrol Charged With Assault of Piñatas
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
GEORGETOWN – Three Metropolitan Police Department officers were arrested yesterday and charged with first degree assault after a neighborhood party raid ended in candy-filled gore several weeks ago. MPD spokesman Dan O’Coligan refused to give the names of the officers taken into custody citing their desire for discretion in the case. The arrests concluded a... »
Racy Buddhist Punks Protest Government Crackdown on Arcades
Monday, November 12th, 2007
View this issue’s print version MYANMAR — Buddhist punks in Myanmar held massive demonstrations yesterday, protesting the governments new arcade regulations and increasing prices because of removal of fuel subsidies. Thousands were killed in the protests, in which the Burmese government called in tanks and air support to pacify the unruly teenage punks who were... »
University Unveils “Mission Accomplished” Banner at Dining Hall
Monday, September 24th, 2007
CAMPUS – Kicking off a week-long celebration of “new and improved” dining at Leo J. O’Donovan Dining Hall, President Degioia flew in on a Medical Center helicopter and unveiled a “Mission Accomplished” banner in front of the dining hall. After overwhelming student demand, the University took actions this summer to improve the quality of the... »
FROM THE EDITOR: The Barbaro Generation
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
View this issue’s print version They say that each generation has an event that defines it. For a long time it seemed that our generation would forever be enshrouded in the veil of 9/11 and the tragic events of that day. All the pundits have said that 9/11 changed everything. I believe Rudy Giuliani said... »
Catholic Church Bans Mastication
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
View this issue’s print version The Vatican decided earlier today, under new orders from Pope Benedict XVI, to move to ban mastication and declare it a cardinal sin. The move will likely be controversial among liberal Catholics and those who masticate often. The papal declaration, announced this morning in Rome, is already receiving harsh criticism. Archbishop... »
Top 10 Pornos You’ll (Probably) Never See
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
View this issue’s print version Black Cock Down*: The heart-wrenching story of a large black man with erectile dysfunction, who has to defy all the odds to get laid. Catchphrase: He wants to get down with the ladies, but first he’s gotta get up. Schindler’s Piss: It’s August of 1943 and Schindler’s hiding hundreds of hot,... »
