Features

Time Traveler from Year 2100 Announces Everything Turned Out A-Okay

Monday, February 24, 2014
By Ken Sealed

WASHINGTON – A time traveler from the year 2100 arrived today in the nation’s capital with assurances that despite facing overwhelming challenges, humanity’s political, economic, and social structures would remain intact well into the future. Appearing “out of the goddamn blue” according to federal agent Mike Weathers, a humanoid figure stepped out of what... »

Satellite Campus Burns Up in Reentry

Sunday, February 23, 2014
By Ed Nonymous
Satellite Campus Burns Up in Reentry

Although it could take months for Georgetown University officials to learn what caused the destruction of the satellite campus, they focused yesterday on the possibility that some or all of its pilots were severely inebriated, dooming the campus upon reentry. An almost lethal amount of alcohol struck the pilots’ bloodstream during the shuttle’s blastoff, officials... »

GUSA Strategist Unveils Bold, New Target Demographic: “Itʼs College Students”

Sunday, February 23, 2014
By Ed Nonymous

Following a long day of flyering and door-knocking across campus, Maurice James (SFS ʼ16), campaign manager of Zach & Dan: Building Your Georgetown, sat down with The Heckler at Saxbys to discuss the election. Speaking with an excited and hurried pace, he outlined the new strategy he is debuting ahead of the elections at... »

GUSA ENDORSEMENT: A VOTE FOR THE FUTURE, A VOTE FOR CHICKEN MADNESS

Sunday, February 23, 2014
By John Q. Public
GUSA ENDORSEMENT: A VOTE FOR THE FUTURE, A VOTE FOR CHICKEN MADNESS

When the Heckler looks at the fine candidates running for GUSA President whether they be Stewards, Second Stewards, or…Stewards draftees we are impressed but still left wanting. Sure they speak grandiloquently about “reform” and “accountability” and “plugging the leaks” but we all know that once elected they’ll become part of the same bland system... »

Georgetown Announces Founding of New, Selective Club

Monday, February 17, 2014
By Ed Nonymous

RED SQUARE- At a ribbon-cutting ceremony on Thursday, Erin Forthe (SFS ʼ15) broke ground for Georgetownʼs newest student group – The Selective Club. “Weʼre filling an important gap in Georgetownʼs rich social environment,” said Forthe at a press conference. “Who wouldnʼt want to be a part of it?” Forthe went on to stress how impressive the... »

GUSA Secret Service Rocked by Scandal: Critics Blast It for “Not Existing”

Monday, February 17, 2014
By Ed Nonymous

LEAVEY CENTER – With allegation pouring in described as “shocking” and “eye opening,” the Georgetown University Student Association secret service has come under fire in the past week for a “perpetual failure to exist.” “These kinds of allegations, if true, place the security of prominent GUSA leaders in jeopardy,” said GUSA President Nate Tisa (SFS... »

Acquaintances Cease to Acknowledge Each Other

Monday, February 17, 2014
By Ed Nonymous
Acquaintances Cease to Acknowledge Each Other

NEW SOUTH – At a press conference on Monday, Freshman Mariah Fried (NHS ʼ17) announced plans for the immediate cessation of pleasantries with fellow Freshman Eric Studecar (COL ʼ17). Fried and Studecar, whose sole interaction took place in the form of a ten minute conversation on the weekend of September 28th 2013 at a Prospect... »

Bill Nye Challenges Creationist to Steel Cage Rematch

Monday, February 10, 2014
By Ian Cognito
Bill Nye Challenges Creationist to Steel Cage Rematch

The American culture war heated up last week when celebrity science educator, Bill Nye “the Science Guy,” agreed to a debate over the merits of creationism as a viable explanation of human origins. Now tensions have escalated again after Mr. Nye challenged his opponent to a steel cage rematch that will finally decide “once... »

Leo O’Donovan Forcibly Breaded, Fried, to Promote “Chicken Finger Thursdays”

Sunday, February 9, 2014
By Devyn
Leo O’Donovan Forcibly Breaded, Fried, to Promote “Chicken Finger Thursdays”

Displaying a hauntingly agonized countenance, a breaded and flash-fried Leo O’Donovan has entered his third week of promoting the popular “Chicken Finger Thursdays” against his will. The former president of Georgetown University has now stood outside of the dining hall that bears his name for 504 straight hours at the direct order of current... »

Due to Freezing Weather, Georgetown Roommates Resort to Networking With Each Other

Saturday, February 1, 2014
By John Q. Public
Due to Freezing Weather, Georgetown Roommates Resort to Networking With Each Other

Reynolds Hall- With perilously low temperatures and massive snowfalls leading to class cancellations and limited mobility, Georgetown students have had to do the impossible and network just with their roommates. What was once a promising semester of industry-sponsored meet-and-greets and off-campus informational interviews has devolved into Georgetown’s version of cabin fever; namely exchanging, editing,... »