News
The Heckler Announces its own Preregistration Software, “Trashy”
In order to compete with the Corp’s new “Classy” pre-registration tool, the Heckler is proud to announce its own “Trashy.” Like “Classy,” “Trashy” will also sync schedules with calendars, but student’s won’t actually be able to see it until they submit their schedules. Additionally, “Trashy” will include only 8 a.m. Friday morning discussion sections, the... »
GU Residence Life Announces that RA Actually Stands for “Really Awkward”
In a press conference last week, Director of Residence Life Katie Lynch put an end to the dispute of whether the RA position stands for “Resident Advisor” or “Resident Assistant;” instead, she sheepishly announced that it actually stands for “Really Awkward.” In an effort to increase inter-departmental transparency, Residence Life finally announced that the well-known... »
GUTS Bus to Nowhere Added
GEORGETOWN- In a move that has left students both excited and deeply confused Georgetown’s Office of Transportation Management has announced a new GUTS Bus to Nowhere. The new line will leave from Dahlgren Chapel on the 42nd minute of every other hour, taking passengers down to the Lincoln Memorial, through Anacostia, past the Chinatown Fuddruckers,... »
GPB Tries Beer, Disbands
Just a few weeks after St. Patrick’s Day, Georgetown Program Board President Andy Griffen (COL ’13) announced that the organization has officially disbanded after trying beer for the first time. The group was found completely wasted in Burleith Saturday afternoon with half a beer each hidden in the water bottles frequently awarded as movie-trivia... »
GUSA Hires Professional Ego-Stroker
MSB junior Igo N. Flator was sworn in Monday to the new GUSA cabinet under President Nate Tisa and Vice President Adam Ramadan in a new role, that of professional ego-stroker. “Sometimes, when you’re feeling blue, you need somebody to remind you that you’re the second-ever openly gay student body president of a Jesuit university,”... »
Graduating Seniors Unprepared for Sobriety
Georgetown’s regularly scheduled midterm-induced panic is in full swing, and nobody is feeling the burn more than the soon-graduating seniors, for whom this is the last go-round. While the average college student is faced with relatively easy questions come midterms season (e.g., what are my classes again?), the second-semester senior is its own brand... »
George Washington University Really Was GW Student’s First Choice, Okay?
In response to multiple accusations that he turned to George Washington University after being rejected from Georgetown, first-year student Jeremy Irving confirmed yesterday that GW had, in fact, been his first choice. “GW really provides me with the college experience I was looking for. I’m in the city, not on some isolated hilltop. Why would... »
Make sure Romney has a Front Row Seat
The following conversation between David Axelrod and Barack Obama was overheard by The Heckler’s hidden White House microphone. Yes, David, I’m all ready for the inauguration tomorrow. We already did the official swearing in today, this is just for the public. Roberts has his lines down for once, so it all should go smoothly. Oh,... »
Bono Seen Without Shades, Forced to Kill Student Witness
The university has entered a state of mourning following pop sensation Bono’s recent visit to campus, during which a student allegedly saw the star without his trademark shades and was quickly dispatched. The lead singer of U2 was seen ducking out of a far corner of Healy where the asphyxiated student was later found. When... »
Chimes and G’s to Just Fight It Out
Citing a need to “establish supremacy, once and for all,” the Georgetown Chimes and Capitol G’s, two all-male a cappella groups, will co-host a no-holds-barred fist fight to determine which group has greater skill. The Capitol G’s, who challenged the Chimes to the fight, have been preparing extensively for the match, practicing fight shanties into... »
