News
String of Campus Fires Linked to DeGioia’s Discovery of Matches
HEALY–The source of a string of fires on Georgetown’s campus has been traced to rambunctious University President Jack DeGioia’s recent discovery of matches, Department of Public Safety officials reported Thursday. While the fires in New South, New North, and Harbin Hall had stumped DPS officers seeking to determine their cause for weeks, investigators... »
JTIII Wins Team NCAA Bracket Challenge
MCDONOUGH—Following Georgetown’s historic upset at the hands of the lowly Ohio Bobcats, Hoyas coach John Thompson III was uncharacteristically upbeat, having with this loss correctly predicted one of the biggest shocks of this year’s NCAA Tournament. The successful upset pick allowed coach Thompson to take commanding lead of a team-wide NCAA Tournament Bracket Challenge,... »
What’s After Dark To Hold Orgy For Sexiled Students
VILLAGE C ALUMNI LOUNGE–Wednesday night marked the finalization of plans for What’s After Dark’s long-awaited orgy for sexiled individuals, Club President Kyle Millman (SFS ’11) announced Thursday morning. The organization, largely known for it’s trivia and game nights offering students an substance-free alternative to Georgetown’s alcohol-fueled party scene, conveyed its hopes that the act... »
B-Frat Bro’s Life Peaks At Age 20
BURLIETH–B-Frat Bro Jake Childress’ (MSB ’12) life reached its pinnacle late Friday night after his IM softball team’s 9th Inning comeback victory coincided with the delivery of three thirty-racks of Busch Light to his fraternity’s off-campus house. “It doesn’t get any better than this,” a euphoric Childress was heard to shout as he shotgunned... »
Plan A Hoyas Protest Condom Ban Through Unprotected Sex With GAAP Weekend Visitors
HEALY LAWN–Members of the student group “Plan A: Hoyas for Reproductive Justice” protested Georgetown’s conservative sexual health policies this past weekend by having unprotected sex with accepted high school students visiting on their GAAP weekend. Plan A members impregnated and/or infected the high schoolers on Healy lawn while shouting slogans highlighting the cost... »
Other Headlines
Twitter Obsessed Student Completes Exam in 140 Characters or Less ... »
Public Masturbators Celebrate Expansion of University Wireless
COPLEY LAWN–Georgetown’s community of public masturbators rejoiced this past Wednesday as University officials announced plans to expand the availability of wireless internet on campus. Though the long-awaited announcement was celebrated across all corners of campus, the news brought particular joy to the dark alleys and cramped library study carrels in which Georgetown’s public... »
Student’s First Drug Deal Fails to Live Up to Expectations
DARNALL–Freshman Kevin Trammel’s (COL ‘13) first drug-purchasing experience fell disappointingly short of expectations this past weekend, the 18-year-old said Tuesday. “I always thought my first drug buy would be filled with danger and intrigue but it ended up just being kind of boring,” said Trammel. “Not once did I feel threatened even a... »
Fake Girlfriend More Popular Than Student Who Invented Her
HARBIN–What began as an innocent Valentine’s Day lie has spiraled embarrassingly out of control for one Georgetown freshman. Though Michael Lipton (SFS’13) simply wished to avoid the questions and looks of pity that occasionally accompany a Valentine’s Day spent alone, the fake girlfriend he crafted as an excuse to disguise his loneliness has... »
