News
Magis Row Accepts Proposal For “Todd Olson Friendship House”
N STREET–Citing the need for “greater student-faculty partnership,” officials from Georgetown’s Office of Residence Life announced this past Friday that a “Todd Olson Friendship House” would be joining next year’s lineup of Magis Row townhouses. In accordance with Magis Row’s goal of “allowing groups of students to explore their shared interests with Georgetown faculty... »
Vatican Pledges $6.9 Million for New Persecution of Science Center
CAMPUS – After years of delays, university officials are once again moving ahead with plans for a new Persecution of Science Center, thanks to a timely grant from the Vatican’s Pontifical Academy of Scientific Ignorance. “We are delighted that the Vatican’s generous gift has allowed us to move forward on this important project,” Provost James O’Donnell... »
Drunk Fan Holds Key to Team’s Success
VERIZON CENTER–With a top 15 national ranking, several marquee wins and a deep run in March well within the realm of possibility, the Hoya men’s basketball team and their fans are finally putting the memories of last season’s collapse behind them. While fans and reporters alike have spent countless hours searching for an... »
Celibate Loser Decries Georgetown’s Hookup Culture
LEO J O’DONOVAN DINING HALL—Student and celibate loser Jake Connolly (SFS ’10) was overheard yesterday decrying what he called Georgetown’s “shallow, vapid hookup culture” in a long-winded explanation of his ongoing, 22 year-long dry spell. Connolly, when pressed to explain his criticisms, referred to his disgust at the tendency for “drunk dudes to... »
University Anti-Condom Policy Influenced By Dumpster-Baby Lobby
LEAVEY–The heated debate over Georgetown’s controversial anti-condom stance was reignited this past week as sources revealed the significant role lobbyists for the dumpster-baby industry played in shaping University policy on the subject. Though administrators have long asserted that the University policy banning the sale of condoms on campus was designed solely to conform with... »
FROM THE EDITOR: We Hate All of Human Civilization Equally
Though my first issue as editor of this illustrious publication should be a time of celebration, I feel I have no choice but to break from the traditional coke-fueled orgies of an editor’s first week to address the troubling accusations that have been directed at the Heckler since the publication of our last issue.... »
With No News Offices to Go to, Protestors Forced to Stage Sit-In in Heckler Editor’s Bedroom
BURLEITH—People offended by The Georgetown Heckler’s December issue marched to Burleith and staged a sit-in in the bedroom of its editor last month after being unable to find any other headquarters for the poorly-read website. “Oh God, here, let me move some of this stuff,” the editor, Otto Foots, said, pushing a pile of... »
Giddy DeGioia, Olson, The Hoya Ask If They’re Allowed to Call Any of Their Other Critics Racist
LEAVEY—University President Jack DeGioia, Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson, and the editor-in-chief of The Hoya had a secret meeting with campus SCUnity and NAACP leaders Tuesday night in order to find out if they’re allowed to demonize any of their other critics as racist. “I can’t tell you how fun it is... »
Sexiled Roommate Masturbanishes Common Room
McCARTHY—James Frankfort (COL ’12) displaced three floor-mates from the McCarthy 3rd floor common room Thursday, following his own sexiling by roommate Andrew Brooke (MSB ’12). Brooke returned to their one room double Thursday night with a female companion, later identified as Lucy Young (COL ’11). Returning to his room late that night, Frankfort found... »
ANC Demands University Hospital be Moved by 2011, University by 2013
BURLEITH–On the heels of some its members’ recent demands for the relocation of Georgetown University Hospital within the next two years, this past Thursday saw Georgetown’s Advisory Neighborhood Commission (ANC) issue a formal request for the University as a whole to move itself by 2013. “Moving the hospital provides a... »
