Opinion
An Open Letter to the Dahlgren Vandals from Satan
Dear Dahlgren Chapel Vandals, I would like to preface this letter by saying that I rarely feel moved to speak out on the twaddle I read in The Hoya. Between leading the unsuspecting off the path of righteousness, tormenting the souls of the damned, and shooting skeet with Wayne LaPierre, I am a terribly busy... »
MARCH MADNESS: A HELPFUL GUIDE
Greetings, readers! This is your semi-dazed editor here with an informative and indecent guide to March Madness. You all know that there are two kinds of March Madness: enthusiasm for the NCAA men’s basketball championship on the one hand, and on the other, a very specific seasonal affective disorder for people who really hate... »
My Study Abroad Experience
Since I’ve returned from my semester abroad, people often ask me things like, “John, did Europe change you?” or “John, are you still the same dude that you were before?” These, of course, are reasonable questions. After all, Europe is a place filled with remarkable cultures and storied histories; it’s not surprising that one... »
THE HECKLER’S GUSA PRESIDENT ENDORSEMENT: $100 OR BEST OFFER
Greetings, semi-valued readers and cheap-laugh enthusiasts. You all probably know that the election for GUSA president is coming up soon on some date we haven’t bothered to learn. Now plenty of so-called “established” sources have already given their endorsements, from the current GUSA President to the cool Jesuits to the Stir Fry station workers.... »
No, by All Means, Take Your Time Ordering
Hi, welcome to More Uncommon Grounds. What would you like to order? Oh, you haven’t decided? By all means, take your time. What? No, it’s totally fine, it’s just that you were in line for like 10 minutes there. No, no, I totally get it. Take your time there. Wait, what? No, I don’t... »
“I Don’t Wear Ironic T-shirts, I Wear T-shirts, Ironically.”
Many have criticized me for being a hipster. They say that I lack originality, that my pop culture references are all staid, and that everyone can see that my glasses have no lenses. But what bothers me the most are the constant critiques of my t-shirts as, quote unquote, “ironic.” This is a serious... »
A Dissection of Grab & Go: How We Do Our Magic
Hey, Georgetown Students! Now you all know the secret to how we make your food at Leo’s Dining Hall taste so darn good (lax standards,) but ever wonder how we at the Aramark Food Preparation/Animal Remains Disposal Corporation get Grab & Go just right? It’s a very deliberative and analytical process to make sure... »
Ask a Freshman Awkwardly Hitting on an Upperclassman at a Party
Dear Freshman Awkwardly Hitting on an Upperclassman at a Party, I have a bit of a problem with my roommate. We get along great and all, but she must be the world’s noisiest sleeper. I’m not just talking about some light snoring, either – her snores sounds like a rusty chainsaw, she grinds her... »
Ask The Worst Orientation Advisor, Ever
Dear Worst Orientation Advisor, Ever since I got to college, I’ve really missed my parents. I know I should be having a good time, but I just can’t seem to shake off the fact that I’m sort of on my own now. Any advice? Sincerely, Depressed in Darnall Dear Depressed, Get over it. Do you want to... »
OP-ED: Hey! Can You Please Have a Conversation With Me In a Public Setting?
Oh hey! How are you? Oh…right…yeah I’m Ethan. You’re Jenny, right? What? How did I know? Oh…mutual friend…class…facebook…you know how these things are. Wait…just a sec…could you do me a huge favor and talk to me in public so it looks I’m adjusting well to college? I know you have History in, like, 5 minutes... »
