I would like to preface this letter by saying that I rarely feel moved to speak out on the twaddle I read in The Hoya.  Between leading the unsuspecting off the path of righteousness, tormenting the souls of the damned, and shooting skeet with Wayne LaPierre, I am a terribly busy demon.  Besides, whenever I do feel so inclined, my column in The New York Post is a more than sufficient media outlet.  So when you have me writing a letter to The Heckler, you can damn well be sure I’m worked up!

Who do you guys think you are, vandalizing a church?  I mean, I’m the Prince of Darkness and that’s too low even for me.  Is that your idea of fun?  Wrecking a church?  Where in Hell do you get the gall to do something like that?  Seriously, I literally have no idea where in Hell you got the gall to do that…and I live there!

Let me try and put this in perspective for you idiots:  You went into a building that 1.2 billion people consider holy ground.  You then proceeded to trash said building and damage religious iconography in the process.  It was disgusting and you should be ashamed.  Vandalizing places of worship is something you simply don’t do.  How do you think I would feel if the Knights of Columbus went and spray-painted crucifixes over the Occult chamber the Georgetown Stewards built for me in the steam tunnels?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “C’mon, Satan, we were just taking a swing at the Catholics.  Surely you can appreciate that!”  Don’t get me wrong, I hate Catholics; I really do.  As far as I’m concerned, Catholics are all a bunch of do-goody, Christian losers with none of the redeeming vices of Protestants.  But even if they reject me, and all my works and all my empty promises, I will say this: I have a lot of respect for the Catholic Church.  I’ve been trying to take the Church down for 2,000 years without success.  I’ve thrown everything at them—the Romans, Napoleon, Dan Brown—and it’s still standing.  The fact is the Catholic Church is a worthy adversary.  It would be a pretty boring way to spend eternity if everyone were as easy to corrupt as the pagans were.  And don’t even get me started about the Georgetown Jesuits!  If you’ve seen The Exorcist, then you know what I’m up against.  My point is this: I take real pride in my eternal battle with the Church.  I would never sucker punch the Church like you did.  I have too much respect for them and, more importantly, I have too much respect for myself.  You guys deserve as much respect as Tonya Harding.

I remember when college pranks really used to mean something.  Back when I was going to school at Syracuse I had some good times.  There was this one pledge in my frat.  Job.  I made his life a living hell!  There’s a fine line between being evil and being stupid, and what you guys did was just plain stupid.  You weren’t even close.  Did it ever occur to you that Georgetown probably got security camera footage of you?  Even failing that, you did this all under the eye of an omniscient deity, and believe me, He is not happy.

Anyway, I hope for your sake that you vandals get to confession soon, because when you die, I’ve got a special place reserved for you down here!  I assume you are familiar with Dante’s Inferno, so you know that I’m currently chewing on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas down here in the ninth circle of Hell.  Well, you guys will be spending eternity in the tenth circle…shoved up my ass!

Best wishes,

Satan

Satan, Prince of Darkness, is Ruler of Hell and Capturer of Billions of Souls. Be sure to check out his syndicated column “It’s the Damndest Thing” in the New York Post and BuzzFeed.

Like “Classy,” “Trashy” will also sync schedules with calendars, but student’s won’t actually be able to see it until they submit their schedules. Additionally, “Trashy” will include only 8 a.m. Friday morning discussion sections, the rational being that it should be the easiest to fill those up.

Because we believe that students should receive a wide variety of classes during their time at Georgetown, we have included pre-registration information for Brown, Harvard, and George Washington. This feature prohibits students form actually seeing what they can take for their major, but they’re all useless anyway, right? Finally, “Trashy” may sporadically close and/or sync your schedule with someone else’s.

We figured that in order to prepare Georgetown students with adult life skills, this was an important feature. We feel that students here have it too easy, and therefore need to learn to deal with crappy customer service and the most confusing, nitpicky processes possible. This will ensure that we truly have the real-world skills that we deserve when we graduate with a Georgetown diploma.

In an effort to increase inter-departmental transparency, Residence Life finally announced that the well-known acronym was actually based on the hiring criteria for RAs.

“We’re really looking for students who can make their peers at home. Who better than other social rejects who don’t have a ton of friends?” said Lynch.

RAs on campus have typically been those who are identified by their peers as “quirky,” a well-known euphemism for being a little weird. Other RAs are those who have been identified as being nice, but definitely atypical of other Georgetown students because they are aggressively friendly or interested in things like the Anime club, Improv or square dancing.

RA Maggie Prescott (COL ’14) wasn’t at all surprised by the news. “Well, considering the last program I had drew in four people, two of whom were other RAs, it makes sense.” She said.

“For years, we’ve been telling students who are hired as RAs that their official title is ‘Resident Advisor’ because it sounds more professional…but recently, we finally came to the decision to come clean about where the letters actually came from. These kids are awkward enough — we felt it was time to let them know.” Said Lynch.

“It’s kind of harsh, but I’m just glad they’re being honest.” Said Prescott. “Whatever. I have a damn good time square dancing.”

to Nowhere. The new line will leave from Dahlgren Chapel on the 42^nd minute of every other hour, taking passengers down to the Lincoln Memorial, through Anacostia, past the Chinatown Fuddruckers, then to Baltimore somehow, and then back to Dahlgren. There will be no stops. OTM spokesman Benjamin Drexel, expressed his optimism that the line will become increasingly popular with Georgetown students: “Hoyas should know that we take their opinions very seriously. We understand that the GUTS free shuttle service is an important tool for Hoyas, not just to reach Metro stations, but also to explore the greater D.C. area. And you really haven’t seen D.C. until you’ve passed by the Chinatown Fuddruckers. I mean have you seen that place? The name is ridiculous…Fuddruckers…This press conference is over.” When news of the addition first broke students were taken aback. Sophomore Casey Whitmire said, “I mean if anything I just wanted the GUTS bus to Dupont Circle to run more on Sundays but I guess this is cool. It’s nice there’s one that goes to Baltimore now…except you can’t get off.  I’m sorry why is this being done?” Senior Taylor Egan was also confused: “Outside of the fact that the route, spatially, makes no sense, what’s with the name? GUTS-Nowhere sounds like everyone who gets on is going to be killed and dumped in a ditch.” When asked for further comment OTM assured the Heckler that GUTS-Nowhere is just the start of an ambitious revamping of the GUTS line continuing with GUTS-ICC, GUTS-Marymount Univeristy, and GUTS-Moon once the technology catches up.

Now I want to be frank with you all: I love St. Patrick’s Day. It’s the one time of year where I can let my hair down, stop being “Dr. Todd Olsen, VP of Student Affairs” and opt for my preferred moniker “Dr. T-Dog Olsen, Kegmeister.” And everyone knows that T-Dog Kegmeister brings the party, irrespective of time or location.  Yes sir it’s a verifiable certainty that shit goes down and goes down with force when I’m around. Which is why I was so shocked, and frankly, disappointed that no one thought that maybe I would be interested in some St. Patty’s reveling.

I’ll admit I feel played. When I hadn’t received an invite a week before, I was concerned, but thought little of it. “They’re college students,” I said to my secretary. “Logistics aren’t their strong suit. I’m sure they’re just finalizing their permit for a medium-sized celebration with alcohol. Once that happens they’ll finalize their guest list and I’ll find out in the next couple days.” My secretary did not respond to this. She must’ve been on to something because I received nothing, no envelope, evite, personal messenger, facebook event notice, nothing.

Do you want to know how I spent my St. Patrick’s Day? Sitting in my office wearing my special St. Patrick’s Day tie, which is green btw, waiting for my phone to ring.  I spent hours fantasizing getting a phone call from one of you, out of breath, profusely apologizing, telling me that they’re so sorry that my invite slipped their mind. You’d tell me over and over that we can’t have a party without you, T-Dog, get yourself over to our townhouse, we’re popular and we have a townhouse. But this never came to be. Instead I woke up Sunday morning at my desk. No parties, no happy college students, no fun for T-Diggity Keg-Meister.

What is it you kids want? I could’ve gotten you so much alcohol. They don’t look askance at doctors! But you blew it. I hope you’re happy.

#5   Pyongyang, North Korea

Long overlooked as a vacation spot, Pyongyang may finally be taking its place in the sun.  The North Korean capital has recently emerged as the go-to destination for such celebrities as former President Bill Clinton and NBA star Dennis Rodman.  With the publicity garnered from these high-profile visitors, it will not be long before the rest of the tourist industry discovers the potential of Pyongyang.  For now, however, the city remains a quaint getaway far from the beaten path.  The North Korean government has so far aggressively campaigned to keep out the trappings of American capitalism that too often detract from a city’s local culture.  Instead of the tacky Courtyard Marriotts and McDonald’s typical of a trip to the South Korean capital of Seoul, Pyongyang has retained the more traditional feel of a city of government-owned cooperatives.

A city seemingly frozen in time, Pyongyang evokes memories of a simpler era.  With next to no cell phones, Internet access, or satellite communications, the traveler feels as though he has been transported back to the 1970s.  A plethora of military parades and missile tests combine all the wonder of a trip to Disney World with the dramatic flair of Stalinist Russia.  And for the outdoorsman, the barely-functioning North Korean power grid provides unparalleled opportunities for stargazing.  With so much to offer the tourist, it is little wonder Pyongyang has earned itself the nickname, “The Tehran of the Orient.”

#4   Historic Route 67

Ah, the roadtrip.  An American institution that harkens back to a bygone age when men were men, cars were behemoth hunks of steel, and Iranian oil reserves were controlled by a subservient puppet ruler.  Nothing quite compares to the sense of freedom that comes of simply hopping in a car, taking off down the highway, and taking in all that this great country has to offer.  The only question is: in a country with over 4 million miles of roads, which one to take?

Traditionally, roadtripping Americans “got their kicks on Route 66.”  But let’s face it, not only has the Route 66 roadtrip been done to death over the last ninety years, the highway always had a bit of an overinflated reputation.  Remember “reading” The Grapes of Wrath in high school?  Those guys were driving down Route 66 and I don’t remember them having such a fun time of it!  This is 2013, and for you roadtrippers looking for something fresh and exciting, why not take it up a notch on Route 67?

Instead of the jaded drive from Chicago to Los Angeles on Route 66, Route 67 starts in scenic Presidio, Texas and cuts a vast swath through the American heartland before terminating in the great city of Sabula, Iowa.  Attractions along Route 67 are seemingly endless.  For a real scientific adventure, be sure to stop at Glen Rose, Texas.  You can see genuine fossils at Dinosaur Valley State Park, then continue a mere two miles down the road to the Creation Evidence Museum and find out why the dinosaurs all drowned in Noah’s flood.  A don’t miss photo-op?  You and your mate boarding the replica Noah’s Ark (straight couples only, please).  As you move on to Arkansas, be sure to stop and visit the national wildlife refuge in the town of Bald Knob (incidentally, also the waxing capital of Arkansas).  By the time you reach the site of TV’s American Pickers in beautiful Le Claire, Iowa, you’ll be shouting, “I got to revvin’ on Route 67!”

#3   Thailand

What’s not to love about Thailand?  The food is great, the prostitutes abundant, and the surgery is dirt cheap.  But there is far more to Thailand than just sexual tourism and inexpensive collagen injections!  A gem of the natural world, the country boasts miles of pristine tropical beaches.  Tourists can experience the great outdoors from diving on coral reefs to hiking through scenic mountains.  The landscape is dotted with ancient temples, friendly elephants are ubiquitous, and…aw, who are we kidding?  This stuff is lame.  I mean, temples?  Really?  They’re just half-collapsed piles of rock.  This is what we get for cutting and pasting off the Thai government’s website.

Forget everything we said before—just go for the hookers.

#2   Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

We’ll be honest with you: Ouagadougou doesn’t have much going for it.  The capital of Burkina Faso, Ouagadougou lies at the heart of a country with a 22% literacy rate, 54-year life expectancy, and 77% unemployment rate.  The city’s temperature averages around 80-90°F year-round, and if you were to visit, there is a strong chance that you would contract malaria, yellow fever, or some other as-yet-undiscovered African disease.

So why visit Ouagadougou, then?  Ask yourself this: had you ever heard of Ouagadougou before?  Don’t lie to us; no you hadn’t!  You probably don’t even know how to pronounce the damn word.  And therein lies the appeal of Ouagadougou.  Ever met one of those pricks who just loves to talk about his world travels?  The kind of guy who—when you try to tell a story about your most recent spring break in West Palm Beach—goes on to make you feel like an ignorant peasant when he describes to you how he went backpacking through the mountains of Wakaflockastan?  NOW YOU CAN BE THAT GUY!

Just imagine the looks on your friends’ faces when you tell them how you spent your summer in Ouagadougou.  You will watch as they scratch their heads in confusion, wondering where on earth that could possibly be.  And when they ask you to spell out “Ouagadougou” for them, you can watch the blank looks on their faces as they struggle to process the phonetics like a computer trying to download a movie from The Pirate Bay over a dial-up modem.  So long, Mr. Podunks!  And hello, Mr. Elitist World Traveler!

#1   Syracuse, NY

When it comes right down to it, vacations are all about getting some much-needed rest and recharging your batteries.  Georgetown students are notorious for working hard, and for the weary Hoya looking to just unplug and decompress, there can surely be no better place than Syracuse.  This New York backwater is the ideal location to let your brain reboot.  No stimulation whatsoever.  Culture?  None.  Attractions?  Nada.  This place is like a sensory deprivation tank, albeit one whose climate control is constantly set to grey, bleak, and freezing.  Seriously, Cistercian monks have been known to visit Syracuse to escape the hustle of ordinary life…then flee back to civilization because it’s too much even for their vows!

Special note for foodies: Syracuse is renowned for its fresh-squeezed orange juice.  Available year-round, juicing season reaches its height in the months of January through March.  True, DC also produced juice of an extraordinary vintage this year, but nothing can quite compare to the taste of 35,012 oranges mercilessly crushed at the Carrier Dome.  The Heckler has heard reports of the generally obnoxious attitude shown by mouth-breathing locals to visiting tourists, but Georgetown students have traditionally faced little to no difficulty putting them in their place.

GPB, responsible for dry on-campus nighttime activities such as Ladies’ Night In and bingo, will no longer be sponsoring such events on campus.

“Why the hell would anyone come to bingo when you can get drunk instead? No wonder we’re the only ones who go to our own programs,” Griffen said.

On the Saturday afternoon in question, the group found themselves at what they thought was a simple Irish heritage celebration.

“We were promised cookie decorating, and that is not what was happening,” Ian Masterson (COL ’14) said. Masterson was the only student in support of the group’s continuing work.

The rest of the group is just fine with the decision to disband in support of continued drinking.

“Who knew how much fun you can have without all your inhibition?” Simpson said.

Janie Forehall (NHS ’13), former president of InterHall, was extremely disappointed in GPB. He encouraged the one dissenting member to join InterHall instead.

“Students don’t want to drink. They just don’t know that yet. They’re too drunk most of the time to notice how much sober fun there is on campus,” Kenslea said just before his turn to compete for movie passes at Charades Night.

“Sometimes, when you’re feeling blue, you need somebody to remind you that you’re the second-ever openly gay student body president of a Jesuit university,” Tisa said. “Sometimes you just need somebody to remind you that you hold tremendous power over the academic and extracurricular lives of the entire undergraduate body. And when those times come, Igo is my man.”

Ramadan agreed. “Sometimes when you’re ringing up an order for beef jerky at Hoya Snaxa, you can forget that you can effectively ruin the campus life of anybody around you at will. Igo helps remind of that pretty constantly,” he said.

Flator himself says he is happy to serve in the GUSA cabinet and glad his talents could be brought to the prodigious student government organization.

“I’m just pleased that I could remind them that they are, in fact, the most important people in any given room,” Flator said. “It’s important that they know how much better they are than the rest of the student body.”

“When I realized I needed somebody who could value people objectively as better or worse then others, I immediately began looking for an MSBer and stumbled upon Igo,” Tisa said when asked about the new demand for an ego inflator. “We couldn’t be happier, which is proof that the position is working. Now get me a latte, you NHSer.*”

As Flator is an MSB student, he rather obviously did not accept the position for free. Igo is currently the only paid GUSA member, accepting a nominal consulting fee of 10 percent of the Student Activities Fund. An additional $1,000 will be also gleaned from student tuitions to fund top-of-the-line headsets so that the newly appointed ego-stroker can whisper directly into the ear of the administration at all times.

In unrelated news, the GUSA Senate recently voted unanimously to approve the appointment of 27 more ego-strokers using the remainder of the Student Activities Fund. GUSA released a statement accompanying the new legislation.

“Quite frequently, we need to be reminded how good a job we’re doing. Which is, apparently, very well. We’ll need to run that by our ego-strokers,” the statement read.

The statement ended by complimenting Flator’s impressive stature: “We’re all very proud of our large Igo.”

*The Heckler has reprinted this insult for the sake of journalistic integrity but would like to clarify that no Heckler writers are in the NHS because we enjoy human contact.

According to a well-respected polling firm commissioned by The Heckler, as much as 99 percent percent of the current senior class remains unprepared for a time when their BAC will drop below .08 percent.

“I don’t even know what I’ll do when I (hic!) have to (hic!) get through a job interview without (hic!) vomiting,” senior Ari Liebermann said. We attempted to continue speaking with Mr. Liebermann, but at this point he began chugging straight Burnett’s.

Liebermann punctuated his remarks by vomiting.

Fortunately, the university is not indifferent to the suffering of its senior class. After this past Easter weekend, which saw hordes of seniors reach BAC levels as dangerously low as .15 percent, the administration has unanimously approved the distribution of alcoholic IV drips meant to lower BAC over a safe span of time, such as a month. With luck, our graduating seniors will be able to sober up and enter the workforce ready to abuse hard drugs like proper adults.

At press time, much of the senior class was shotgunning their IV drip.

“GW really provides me with the college experience I was looking for. I’m in the city, not on some isolated hilltop. Why would I want to be in the middle of nowhere?” he said in a press conference.

Irving, a Chicago native, is majoring in international affairs in the Elliot School, which is clearly just as good as the Walsh School of Foreign Service.

When asked for tangible evidence of the schools’ equal standing, Mr. Irving responded, “We have ‘professors in practice,’ which means that our professors have real-time work experience and also take the time to teach class. You all just have adjuncts up there. Psh. Sucks to suck.”

Mr. Irving shouted for several more hours at his press conference, despite the fact that he was not asked any further questions. He was adamant that he was learning “real-life skills” at GW, such as how to deal with an infestation of bed bugs.

“When you wind up with pests in your fancy New York apartment, whatchu gonna do, huh, GU? I’m going to graduate as an adult, and you’ll just have a diploma!” he roared.

Without warning, Irving then ended the press conference in tears.