In accordance with Magis Row’s goal of “allowing groups of students to explore their shared interests with Georgetown faculty and the greater community,” the students occupying the Todd Olson house will work together with Olson to develop their interest in “being Todd’s friend,” and “not being mean to Todd.” Though no students proposed the theme themselves, Olson and colleagues determined that the need for such a house was great enough to propose it on behalf of the administration.

Olson outlined the reasons for establishing the house, saying that “It is only right that the best and brightest from Georgetown’s vibrant community of leaders and scholars are given the chance to learn from, listen to, and stave off soul-crushing loneliness with such an illustrious mentor as Todd A. Olson.”

“Just because those stupid kids back in high school didn’t understand what they were missing doesn’t mean our next generation has to make the same mistakes,” added Olson.

Like other houses on Magis Row, the Todd Olson Friendship community will feature a variety of projects and events throughout the year designed to promote its theme. While volunteers to live in the house have yet to be found, Olson and the Office of Residence Life have already begun planning next year’s events.

A source present at a sparsely-attended planning session held at Olson’s condo reports that prospective events include “Remembering Todd Olson’s Birthday: A Symposium,” “There’s Always Seconds! Cooking for One with Todd Olson,” and “Todd’s Take: Peeping Tom or Friend-in-Waiting?”

Olson enthusiastically noted that townhouse occupants can also expect to host dinners for him on special occasions, such as “when my power is out,” “when my power is out again,” and “ when, wouldn’t you know it, my power went out again! Third time this week! Crazy, huh?”

“Whatever lucky students end up in this house better prepare themselves for a wild time,” said Olson. “I know people might be intimidated by my authority and the musky, masculine scent wafting out of my short-sleeved dress shirts, but that’s ‘Business Todd.’ ‘Party Todd’ is hiding right beneath the ruddy, pockmarked surface.”

“‘Business Todd is the man you aspire to be as you see him stride confidently across campus by himself on a weekday morning. ‘Party Todd’ is the guy who shows up at your door at 7pm on a Saturday night with a DVD of Wild Hogs and a 12-pack of Totino’s Pizza Rolls just because he can’t stand another minute alone in his empty condo without jumping in front of a GUTS bus. That’s the Todd the occupants of this townhouse will be getting to know.”

Though Olson acknowledged his surprise at the townhouse’s current vacancy, he assured the Heckler that demand to occupy the house would soon rise. “It’s only a matter of time before word gets out. Georgetown’s students have no idea what they’re missing,” Olson said as he completed his game of online Scrabble.

“We are delighted that the Vatican’s generous gift has allowed us to move forward on this important project,” Provost James O’Donnell said in a statement released this morning.  “This new center will keep Georgetown on the cutting edge of oblivious, benighted superstition for years to come.” 

The building, slated to be named after 17th century Grand Inquisitor Francesco Barberini, was made possible by the Catholic Church’s Dogmatic Recovery Initiative, which seeks to assist struggling communities by purging them of any and all threats to their preconceived notions of the universe. 

According to preliminary sketches, the Barberini Persecution Center (or “Barberini’s” as it has affectionately become known on campus) will include modern, WiFi-enabled underground torture chambers, as well as several oversized furnaces for students to dispose of class notes or readings that cause them to rethink their place in the cosmos.  But the building’s real centerpiece is its 850-seat lecture hall, in which the world’s foremost scientific luminaries can come to be mocked and derided by Georgetown’s cretinous, jeering masses. 

“Finally, this campus will have a devoted space for science faculty to present their latest findings and discoveries before the primitive, vitriolic outrage of pre-Enlightenment philistines,” university President John J. DeGioia said.  “This will truly be a world-class facility.” 

Fr. Thomas Shanley, a 15-year member of the Jesuit community, shares the president’s opinion: 
“For too long, Georgetown’s Jesuits have been saddled with outdated breaking wheel and iron maiden technology that lags far behind the current state of the art,” Shanley said.  “In a rapidly changing world, that just won’t do.  I can honestly say that the Barberini Center is a place I’d be proud to have an auto-de-fé.”   

Some critics, however, have cautioned that Georgetown still has a long way to go before its anti-science programs are on par with those of peer institutions.  

“If you listen to what applicants say about Georgetown, it’s that we’re great at humanities and social sciences, but way below average when it comes to suppression of rational thought,” Dean of Admissions Charles A. Deacon said.  “The [Barberini] Center is a good start, but this school still can’t compete for the best and brightest students who want to be force-fed religious doctrine on pain of physical harm.” 

Pre-med student Scott Rowley (Col ’11) agrees: 
“My friend at Notre Dame told me they have fanatical bonfire facilities in every dorm hall,” Rowley said.  “Right now, I have to walk all the way over to the Jes Res for one of those.  I guess that’s why we’re a safety school.” 
Despite these criticisms, the Persecution of Science Center has met with widespread enthusiasm from the school’s Board of Directors, which approved its construction on a vote of 36-1.   

The lone dissenter, Board Vice Chair Bradley M. Schaeffer, was later stoned to death in the parking lot. 


“As soon as he told me to ‘WIN THE FUCKING TIP YOU PUSSY’ before the Temple game I knew this year would be different,” said Junior forward Julian Vaughn, “I had never thought about it like that. I won that tip.”

“Whenever we lose focus or fall behind, we can count on Brenden’s words of encouragement to get us back in the game,” coach Thompson added. “There were moments last year when we really could’ve used someone screaming ‘GODDAMMIT PLAY SOME DEFENSE’ at us for twenty straight minutes. That’s where Brenden comes in.”

Despite the attention, Sollen remains humble. “I just try to go out there and do my job. It’s really a team effort. All the credit should go to the players. Screaming ‘DUNK THE BALL YOU FUCKER’ is useless unless there is someone there to take your advice and ‘DUNK THE FUCKING BALL.’”

Sollen’s success comes as little surprise to those who know him best. “He comes from a long line of celebrated hecklers,” noted family friend Andrew Bolton. “I remember his dad screaming ‘THROW IT IN THE POST’ uninterrupted for three quarters of a game back in ‘84. I think we all knew that was going to be a special year.”

Sollen’s spent his childhood learning the art of heckling at his father’s side, marveling at the power and influence of a man with little to no strategic knowledge of basketball.

“I can still remember the day I knew I wanted to follow in his footsteps,” said Sollen. “I was playing point guard for my middle school’s team and my dad kept screaming ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU’ every time I missed a shot. Totally changed my perspective on the game. He was asked to leave the building, but his message stuck with me.”

Even with such a storied lineage, few expected Sollen to have such an immediate impact. According to Thompson, “We had obviously heard that Brenden would be joining us this year, but we never expected so much so soon. He’s really living up to his potential. It takes most guys a year or two to adjust to screaming at the college game.”

Any questions about Sollen’s talent were answered within the season’s first few games, as nearly every player showed significant improvement over their previous year’s form. When asked about his impressive three-point shooting to start the year, Junior guard Austin Freeman gave all the credit to Sollen. “It really helps me to hear ‘MAKE IT MAKE IT MAKE IT MAKE IT’ whenever I put up a shot. Brenden knows how to keep you focused on your goals. I don’t think there’s a single guy on this roster who hasn’t raised his game to meet Brenden’s impossible expectations.”

Perhaps nothing attests to Sollen’s value more than the impact of his recent absence from last week’s game against South Florida. The lack of Sollen’s heckling left the Hoyas noticeably sluggish, resulting in the team’s first Verizon Center loss of the season. “We really missed him out there tonight,” remarked Thompson in his post-game press conference, “it’s just hard to stay focused without Brenden there yelling ‘PLAY A GODDAMN ZONE’ regardless of whether we are already playing a zone defense.”

Though Thompson offered Sollen a spot as team manager to ensure his presence at the rest of the Hoyas’ games, Sollen respectfully declined, repeatedly shouting “CALL A FUCKING TIMEOUT” at the baffled head coach.

“I had seen him in history class and I thought he seemed cool,” said Kathleen Vargas (MSB ’11) of her interaction with Connolly at a party this past weekend, “but when I walked up to him to see if he wanted to go somewhere quieter to talk he just all of a sudden started stammering and whispered something about how uncomfortable this must be for me. Before I could say anything he had disappeared back into the crowd.”

A recent Georgetown Heckler survey looking into student opinions regarding Georgetown’s hookup culture concluded that, of the 23% of students who self-identified as being “opposed” to the prevailing campus attitudes towards hooking up, 11% marked “religious/other moral” reasons for doing so, while another 8% cited “religious/other moral” reasons to hide the fact that no one wanted to get with their awkward asses. Just 4% marked that they had “legitimate” reasons to abstain from campus hookup culture.

Professor Howard Mankin of the Sociology Department outlined the decline in campus virtue: “These young people are running rampant all over the place, giving the University a bad name both among our neighbors and nationwide. These students who keep pretending to be above hooking up to hide what losers they are represent a blight upon Georgetown’s reputation and are, quite simply, driving away applicants. It’s people like Jake Connolly who are the problem. In my ‘Re-Examining Modern Sexual Standards’ class today, he raised his hand and gave about an 8-minute rant about how people should respect themselves and others’ bodies by slowing down or some bullshit. Seriously, what a puss.” Makin’s paper “What Drives These Self-Righteous Tools: Seriously, Will Someone Just Bang Them to Shut The Up For the Love of God” delves deeper into this growing crisis, and will appear in next month’s Social Science Conspectus.

As the Heckler went to press, Jake Connolly was last sighted nervously backing away from Annie Trumbull (MSB ’12) at a Henle party, sweating profusely while insisting that she “probably wants some space,” while Trumbull texted her girlfriends that she was ready to leave if they were, because seriously that party was dead.

Though administrators have long asserted that the University policy banning the sale of condoms on campus was designed solely to conform with the Vatican’s stance against artificial means of contraception, recent reports identifying the presence of dumpster-baby lobbyists at high-level meetings regarding the policy have called this impartiality into question.

While the lucrative and influential dumpster-baby industry–which includes the nation’s garbage collectors, dumpster manufacturers, and landfill operators–has long been identified as a primary opponent of greater condom availability across university campuses nationwide, these latest reports represent the first conformation of “big dumpster baby’s” long-suspected influence on Georgetown’s administration.

Sources from within in the meetings in question stated that, while no money changed hands, lobbyists plied administrators with countless gifts, including industry-branded shirts, pens, and miniature novelty dumpsters. When asked for comment, representatives for the lucrative and influential National Association of Discarded Infants (NADI) acknowledged that the sale of condoms represents a direct threat to their stated goal of “ensuring that our great nation’s dumpsters remain filled to the brim with the bodies of discarded infants,” but denied having any undue influence upon deliberations of University policy.

“We were simply present to serve as the voice of the millions of hardworking Americans whose livelihoods depend on the steady supply of fetuses into our country’s dumpsters,” said lobbyist Marc Livingstone. “The University may not be our biggest market, but having to tell even one garbage man or woman that the next discarded fetus may be their last is one too many.”

“We wholeheartedly agree with the University that using a condom is throwing away a precious human life. And if you’re going to throw away a precious human life, why not do it in a dumpster where it will support the men and women of our industry who need those unwanted lives to put food on their families’ tables?”, Livingstone went on to add.

Many students, however, expressed outrage at lobbyists’ involvement. “I’ve always been against the University’s anti-condom policy,” said Junior Kacy Richardson (MSB ’11), “but it disgusts me even more to know that they put a decision that affects my body into the money-grubbing, placenta-stained hands of ‘big dumpster baby.’”

A statement released by University administrators, while acknowledging the presence of lobbyists at high-level policy discussions, insisted that “any lobbyists attending policy meetings did so in an informational capacity only” and that “any resemblance between University policies and those advocated by said lobbyists are purely coincidental.”

University President Jack DeGioia echoed the sentiment, saying that dumpster-baby lobbyists “had no impact on our final decision, which was made with only the highest virtues of Cura Personalis in mind. That this decision may prove beneficial to one of our nation’s most vital industries represents nothing more than a happy coincidence.”

Georgetown is a thriving community of intellectual thought, and each day our environment presents us with new challenges. Some challenges may be building a big igloo out of sloppy joe meat and cornstarch in your office in Healy. Some challenges may be cutting a hole in the floor of your office to build a ginger ale moat around your sloppy joe igloo so your staff can’t get into your igloo to make you do stuff. And some challenges are having your igloo collapse on you and being stuck under a pile of sloppy joe meat for two weeks over Christmas break until someone comes back to work and pulls you out.


“These challenges” “are nothing” “new,” as Martin Luther King, Jr., once said. Yet I have been told nearly a month after the incident happened that a challenge we did not anticipate has appeared on our campus. During finals week, unbeknownst to most of us on campus, who were all surely busy studying and molding hamburger buns into the shape of polar bears and penguins, some students on Facebook were sent a link to an article in an online satire publication with the note that the article was offensive. And they became offended.

(This online satire publication should remain nameless. NOT because this online satire magazine makes fun of me and took a photo of me with my hand stuck in a honey jar that I don’t want people to see. Of course not.)

Anyway, this was shocking. The article comprehensively appropriated the most infamous and heinous historical wrongs that occurred in our country’s racial past in order to argue that racism still exists today. And I am writing to you today to tell you that I know Martin Luther King, Jr., would find this offensive. And that he wants you to come to our AWESOME annual event to prove to everyone how much Georgetown loves him and black people! And that he thinks I’m a cool guy. “That” Jack DeGioia “is a” “great” “man,” Dr. King once said.

One time Dr. King said “fierce urgency.” I don’t think he means “fierce” the way gay people use it. He means it in the way that anytime someone gets caught appropriating the Civil Rights Movement to make a point about racism, you should feel it is urgent to imply that Dr. King would agree with your condemnation of those people if he were alive today. People love Martin Luther King! I wish I could just deliver his speeches to people instead of trying to come up with my own words. I’ve tried this, like on the odd occasion I get invited to a cocktail party, but people don’t seem to like this. But I still use him as much as possible, because he should fit in EVERY situation.

The point is, Martin Luther King spent his life struggling against ignorance and oppression. Just like me. He died for things like equality, desegregation, and igloos made out of sloppy joes. And if he walked into my office today, he would cry because it is so beautiful how I am basically his living legacy. And because he agrees with everything I say. “You’re right,” he once said, obviously referring to me telling you this online satire publication is racist. Then he said “I had a dream” and his dream was about us playing laser tag and then eating big huge ice cream sundaes and not being able to sleep in the tent in the backyard that night because we were so high on sugar.

As we go forward as a campus community, we have to remember that Martin Luther King, Jr. fought against things like lynching and being hosed down by police because he did not want us to ever discuss these things ever again. He wanted us to forget them. Reading an article mentioning them in order to make the point that some are ignorant of their own racial ignorance should offend us, he would think, because we should never have to acknowledge them. “We should” “forget” “these things,” he once said. Certainly white writers and non-black writers should never mention the fact that these things happened because that automatically means they are exploiting black people. Elementary school history books are the worst offenders, by the way. It’s shocking to see repulsive books like these use historical images of KKK members.

And when challenges like these happen, it’s important to refer to Dr. King’s cachet as a civil rights martyr to make it seem like you are continuing his work.

“Jack” “is always” “right” “and also” “it is really” “cool” “that he” “only had to” “wait” “like” “a month” “to respond to this” “incident” “because he” “also got to” “promote his” “annual” “Martin Luther King” “celebration,” “which is” “on January 18” “and will be” “super” “awesome.” — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I remember when we first met at Rhino’s like it was just yesterday. I thought it would be like any other night. Never in a million years would I have expected to knock back a couple tequila shots and go home with the first girl too drunk to stand.

I remember the way the soft light hit your stiff, sequined tube dress with a cheap imitation Ms. America sash hanging nonchalantly off your shoulder. I remember how you coyly looked up at me with those big brown eyes and softly cried, “Oh my god that’s sooo funny! Hey, you’re cute! I can’t believe I’m not even DRUNK yet. I’ve had, like, so many shots.” Even then, I knew I wanted to take you home and fill your heart with the joy that comes only from Celine Dion’s “The Power of Love.” But I was afraid you would think I was moving too quickly. So I bit my tongue and held back my iPod as we made our own sweet music that night and then stayed together out of sheer laziness and desperation for another year.
Last week, as we sat awkwardly in that Starbucks while you regaled me with tales of how fat you were getting, shoveling coffee cake into your mouth, I realized in a sudden epiphany that there was only one way I could truly demonstrate the bottomless depths of my love – 23 tracks of the smoothest crooners from K-Ci and Jojo to Boyz II Men. Anything less would just seem trite and manufactured.

Anyone can walk into a store and pick up a ring or put a giant bow on a Lexus. Shit, even inbred retards can make a mix CD, but it takes that special someone – the one you were meant to settle for – to lovingly offer up the underwhelming repetitive simplicity of back-to-back Seal songs.
I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I can’t help myself.

Sometimes when I’m at work I fantasize about sauntering past the vanilla incense and Yankee Candles burning like the fiery passion within me, and softly, ever so softly, pressing play as the booming voice of Tony Bennett accompanies my gentle, casual swagger towards to you — your eyes filling with gratitude and tears streaking the excessively applied mascara and clown-like blush. And then I think of all the years we’ll spend together; of all the nights we’ll awkwardly make love, starting and finishing before Kelly Clarkson can even complete her moving tribute to enduring love.
Marie, I guess what I’m trying to say – what every cell in my body is aching to make clear – what my voice longs to cry out through hackneyed and lazy writing is: you’re the one that I want. Woo. Woo. Woo.

As you may have heard, recent reports by various student groups, University administrators, national news organizations, and something called “the internet” have labeled the Heckler and its team of writers as “insensitive,” “angry,” “hateful,” “racist,” and even… “super racist.” As much as I wished to dismiss any controversy as yet another mess left by my incompetent predecessor, I knew I had to respond to such disgusting, slanderous accusations. These terribly untrue charges have hurt all of us deeply, and threaten the credibility of our esteemed publication as a whole. The notion that the Heckler has singled out any particular group for ridicule is simply outrageous. Anyone familiar with us knows that we hate all of human civilization equally.

These recent accusations of racism strike at the heart of the Heckler’s mission. Throughout our storied history we have worked tirelessly to prove that all humans are horrible, disgusting filth. To accuse us of channeling our hatred toward one specific race is to ignore years of vitriol aimed at the entire rotting corpse of humanity. Yet if one listens to our critics’ recent claims of the Heckler’s racism toward African-Americans, one is left with the troubling impression that there are certain groups that we do not despise. Some groups might even think that we like them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here at the Heckler, all of humanity is united under a banner of equality. We hate every single person, including ourselves, equally. The mere presence of human beings walking this Earth stirs a pure, rabid, unquenchable hatred deep within our souls. It makes me physically sick to think that there are any members of the Georgetown community that believe the Heckler does not hate them with every fiber of its being.

We cannot, however, pretend that we are blameless in this situation. While the accusations that we hate one particular group more than all others are unquestionably false, we must acknowledge our role in creating the environment in which such baseless lies were able to thrive. It it clear that we have failed to fully transmit just how much we hate every single member of the Georgetown community. The time has come for the Heckler to issue an apology to all those who were left with the sadly misinformed belief that we do not consider them despicable garbage. We’re sorry. As the Heckler’s new editor, I pledge to rectify this terrible injustice, and I will do everything within my power to ensure that each and every soul at Georgetown feels the full extent of our hate, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. We are all humans. Disgusting, worthless pieces of shit.

Foots also sat quietly on his bed for several minutes, staring apprehensively at the protestors, until he at last broke the silence again.

“So do you guys mind if I masturbate?” Foots said, as an Associated Press reporter stuck a voice recorder in his face. “This is the time of day I usually masturbate, and I really don’t want to mess up my schedule. So…,” he trailed off, before sheepishly turning towards the wall away from the protestors and sticking his hand in his Georgetown basketball shorts.

Foots later watched a succession of weird animal videos on his laptop. Protestors left soon after Foots asked them if they wanted to “see some really offensive stuff” on another Internet website, 4chan.

Sources close to NAACP President Amber Simmons say Simmons was angry at finding out the meaning of the meeting and quickly left despite DeGioia pleading with her to look at a list of names and tell him if they had done anything he could say was offensive.

Hoya editor Francis Prodi was the only one at the meeting willing to comment for this article. “Oh man, bro, we just looked so good in all of this, acting hurt and being able to condemn someone else for being offensive,” said Prodi. “I think if we can call, like, three more people who say we’re a terrible newspaper racist, we can trick UWire into giving us a bunch of awards this year.”

Provost James O’Donnell was also at the meeting, on the floor shaking and whispering to himself in Latin as DeGioia held onto the leash of the child harness O’Donnell was wearing.