We, the Hecklers, cannot keep our silence any longer. It has been over two full months under the new Editor-in-Chief\u2019s reign, and culture is dying. Since taking office, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, has ruined the club, and we Hecklers are here to blow the lid off this thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For starters, she\u2019s a woman, and we all fucking know women can\u2019t read. We\u2019re not even sure what she\u2019s doing behind her desk all day. Coloring? Jerking off? (We also have no idea what a woman does in general). <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not to mention the lack of quality control. \u201cShe\u2019s publishing the worst headlines I\u2019ve seen thus far,\u201d said Associated Press NewsWire, the current managing editor and longest-standing existing member. \u201cJust being around her is enough to stunt the rest of us. It makes us all\u2026 unfunny. We collectively have not had a punchline land in weeks. People are booing and walking out of our stand-up sets. Even within the club, there has not even been a single mischievous upturn of the side of the mouth, not a glimpse of the former glory days of smiling.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe broke my boyfriend and me up,\u201d reports another Heckler writer, Adelaide Mornington. \u201cShe told him my religion prevents me from dating\u2026 I\u2019m literally a beekeeper from LA. Even my bees are fuckin\u2019 atheists, man. I don\u2019t think she even wanted him. I think she just wanted to see us both cry.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We are spiraling, and we think it\u2019s also\u2026 turning her on? Every time one of us starts crying in our meetings, she promptly announces she has to use the bathroom and returns around two minutes later, panting, legs crossed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the name of honest reporting, we Hecklers knew we must say something. Readers, if you care about the sanctity of our publication, please join us in arms and march to the EiC\u2019s house this Friday with your most automatic weapons. We will NOT be silenced any longer. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
We, the Hecklers, cannot keep our silence any longer. It has been over two full months under the new Editor-in-Chief\u2019s reign, and culture is dying. Since taking office, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, has ruined the club, and we Hecklers are here to blow the lid off this thing. For starters, she\u2019s a woman, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":239,"featured_media":8580,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[150],"class_list":["post-8573","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"yoast_head":"\n