The Georgetown Heckler

News | September 9, 2014

Only 16 Killed in this Year’s A Capella Recruitment Season


GONDA THEATRE — In what observers are celebrating as “a massive prevention of bloodshed,” the seven Georgetown a cappella factions agreed early this week to an uneasy truce.

A last minute power sharing agreement at the Gonda Theatre between the Phantoms, Saxatones, and Chimes prevented the already volatile situation from sliding into further chaos.

Although the groups left out of the agreement expressed their dissatisfaction with the results, each privately expressed a desire to end the blood shed – if only temporarily.

“We will return next fall – stronger, more prepared,” a spokesman for the Capitol G’s said in a video released online.

For a 29th consecutive year no a cappella group was able to achieve hegemonic dominance.

Since the slow demise of the Chimes’ monarchical hold on the a cappella territory with the open rebellions of the mid-1980s and 1990s, fighting between groups has regularly occurred during the late summer.

Although initially some members of the community unhappy with the ruling of the Chimes, which was often regarded as stiff, conservative, and traditional, welcomed the new factions, it soon became clear that their fragmented and diverse interests would prevent the disgruntled from being united under one banner.

An uneasy truce brokered last fall collapsed when an improvised explosive device (“IED”) was remotely detonated close to Superfood’s table at the Student Activities Fair. Three prospective applicants were killed in the explosion as well as a tabler.

An unidentified member of the Hawaiian club was also critically injured in the blast after he strayed close to the table during a limbo contest.

Although no group claimed responsibility for the attack, suspicion fell upon all female a cappella group the Grace Notes.

Clean up after this fall's fighting can begin after only a week and a half.

Clean up after this fall’s fighting can begin after only a week and a half.

Speaking from a safe house in West Georgetown, the leader of the Grace Notes neither confirmed nor denied these reports and, instead, just scatted nonsense.

“Doo bee doo bee doo bee dooo bee doo,” she said.

Further attacks at the Student Activities Fair were prevented after University officials quickly voted to deploy peacekeepers with GUGS burgers to the scene.

While the Fair was able to proceed without further incident, the University, fearing a quagmire of entanglement in a conflict its people knew little about, refused to heighten its peacekeeper commitment beyond the communal green space.

A tense week and a half ensued of conflict which consistently threatened to turn into all-out war.

On August 31st the Phantoms’ command, control and audition center was raided by unidentified a cappella militia. Thought to be one of the most secure places to sing on campus, the invaders captured a half dozen auditioners before they were forced to retreat.

The current whereabouts of these hostage auditioners is unknown, but experts believe they are somewhere with “great acoustics.”

Much blame has been pointed at Harmony since “no one really knows what they do anyway.”