The Georgetown Heckler

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Heckler Ranks History’s Top Five Mustaches… And You Are Not Going to Believe Who Number One Is

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5. Salvador Dali. Thin, elegant, ever so delicate. Some would say his stache was his finest piece of art. Others say there is a tiny elf that is perched on the end of it, whispering hymns and riddles to inspire Dali. 4. Groucho Marx. Angular, geometric, intentional. A man with black grease paint and a […]

Heckler Advice Column: How You Can Escape The Eternal Samsaric Cycle Of Death And Rebirth And Also Maybe Get Laid

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Ah, yes, the classic coming-of-age struggle of ridding oneself of all earthly desires in the name of total enlightenment while also trying to bust every now and then. We at the Heckler know the difficulty of balancing one’s Buddhist intentions while looking like an absolute 10/10, so we have compiled a short listicle of 5 […]

Jack the Bulldog’s Back Left Leg to Be Removed After Poll Ranks Crouton Averaging 3x More Pets per Day (PPD)

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Following an anonymous tip on recent campus canine circumstances, Barbara reports on our findings after a protected other Heckler went undercover in the Office of Neighborhood Life: The Office of Neighborhood Life at Georgetown has apparently been working overtime since their Summer ‘24 Census brought troubling news: Jack the Bulldog’s approval rating has plunged since […]

Feeling Anxious? Try Finding 5 Things You Can Touch, 4 Things You Can Steal, 3 Things You Can Burn, 2 Things You Can Snort, and 1 Thing You Can Just Ignore for Now I’m Sure It’s Fine

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Feeling ANXIOUS? Try finding… And if that doesn’t work, there’s always…

OpEd: y im pwoud 2 b msb stoodent

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The Heckler was recently contacted by Tyler Whiteface, 23, MSB ‘28, a six-time freshman who has almost passed all his classes this time! Whiteface was eager to provide a column on his impressions of freshman year, as a seasoned professional of the craft. Whiteface, 23, from White Plains, NY, submitted two drafts before submitting the […]

Heads up, Everyone: My Uncle is Coming to Campus for Family Weekend, And He’s a Toucher

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Mark your calendars, ladies and gents: my uncle is finally hauling ass to the Hilltop this coming Family Weekend, and he’ll be whiling away his days in the District invading the personal space of countless Georgetown undergraduates. Steel yourselves for his sweaty palms, folks, and keep in mind that whatever he does is a sign […]

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