Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Should I Enter My Home Through the Back Door Where All the Rats Are, or the Front Door Where I Can See My Neighbor Jerkin’ It in the Window?
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq.
In the wee hours of the morning, lit up by the hazy orange lights of Burleith, I ponder the deep questions of my life: what if my youth is flying past me as I try to grasp it like smoke in the air? What if my tummy hurts because I didn’t get enough fiber today? […]
“This Is It?”: Man at End Coming to Terms
By Ezra PP Starkweather
“I’ve always connected with Harper on a different level than most – and that’s not just because we share a name.” Charles Tate, 32, is one of many heart-broken individuals struck by the sudden and unexpected passing of Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, on the popular sitcom Two and a Half Men. Harper was last […]
Top 10 Things Georgetown Could Spend 50 Million Dollars on That Aren’t Beating DePaul by a Point
By Bushrod Washington
1. Bribe Bob Menendez 100 times 2. 10 million GUGS Burgers 3. Give every student 7500 dollars in financial aid 4. 1 year of Patrick Mahomes 5. Making Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6. Starting 100 Subway franchises 7. Funding Doug Burgum’s primary campaign 8. Renting 2 Pandas from the Chinese government for 20 years 9. […]
“Jill Has Three Cookies. If Jill Gives Bob Two Cookies, How Many Cookies Does Jill Have?”: Hilltop Consulting Presses Interviewees With Advanced Math Problems
By Antipope Innocent III
Interviewer: Kurt, you’ve done an excellent job thus far in the interview. So far, no candidates have been able to solve this math problem. In order to become the most consulting consultant, you must prove your advanced math skills. Kurt: I’m ready! I’m ready! Ooh golly, I’m ready! Interviewer: Okay here it goes: “Jill has […]
Lot of Dogs Out Today
By Glocktopus Squid Prime
Hark! Hark! Hear my tale of sights heretofore unseen. It was only this very morning while strolling along the bricklaid esplanàde when, would you know, upon looking up from the Facebook, I caught sight of small furry friend of man. The twinkle in its eye lit a similar glint in my own, and on I […]
Guest Op-Ed: The University’s Scooter Ban Destroyed Me. Then, I Re-Discovered My True Identity as a Student-Athlete
By The Sisters Fitzroy
On December 12, 2023, The Office of Environmental Health and Safety (or, as I like to call them, The Office of Soulless Stinky Little Party Poopers) tore me away from my one true love – my partner through thick and thin: my GoTrax G5 scooter. In the blink of an eye, I had to say […]