The staff of The Georgetown Heckler is a well-respected, intelligent group of young people who greatly, greatly, greatly respect Georgetown University and its students. I hope you’re happy.
The Georgetown Heckler was founded in January of 2003 by a bunch of people whose names we’ve since forgotten. They’re probably too busy doing other stuff to read this anyways so they won’t be offended. Together, these bright young men and women forged a publication the likes of which Georgetown University had never witnessed. Unparalleled in its sophistication, The Georgetown Heckler quickly flourished in its first year and received a record low of only a single death threat throughout the entire first year. Everything has been downhill since, admittedly, as The Heckler is passed down through the ages from one group of disturbed individuals to the next.
Edith Bulwer Lytton | Was expelled her sophomore year.
L.K. Potrick | Founder and victim of several multi-level marketing schemes.
Clovis P. Butterworth | Favorite dessert: the sugar coating on Advil. Yum!
Hester Temple, Second Viscountess Cobham | Fun Fact: Insists all Natty Lights be served to her in a champagne flute so they’re fancy.
Old Hoss Radbourne | Trying out satire writing after being cut in the last round of tryouts for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Team.
The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | Has 4 pending DUI charges for driving a Lime scooter under the influence of the blood of Christ.
Squiggle Tha Kid | A very hungry caterpillar coming up from the underground. Just tryna put some lettuce on the table. #Iwannaseeyoueatjustnotatmytable #respectfully
Obadiah Benton McFadden | Has high cholesterol. That’s it.
Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar | Also headringer for the clocktower bells, every quarter hour, every hour.
Horace Harmon Lurton III | Socially conservative, fiscally liberal.
Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | A kelp harvester on the Isle of Skye for her entire life. She haunts her descendents, who happen to teach at Georgetown, in her role as a ghost trapped between the realms of the living and dead. Contrary to popular belief, the Esq. in her name does not denote her status under the bastard English monarchy but rather refers to her pivotal role in establishing the American men’s magazine Esquire.
Adelaide Mornington | Lives under a brick in Red Square, find her for a prize!
Doña Inés de Asuaje y Ramirez de Santillana | Believes The Day the Music Died was an inside job.
Brockholst Livingston | Joined the Heckler because she heard they let women play chess.
Rufus Wheeler Peckham | Wheeler? I barely even know her!
Augustus Lorde Soule | Loves writing here because documentation is crucial when he indicts everyone in The Heckler.
Bjorn Melvinplank | 1656-1723. RIP.
Osborne Augustus Lochrane | Loves outdated references more than Justin loves Selena.
Col. Willis Van Devanter | Despite popular belief, not in Gossip Girl… yet.
Theophilus Parsons | Hates being called Suckalotadis Penis, prefers Theophallus Pussons.
Blanche Cavendish | Completely feral. You can find Blanche on the front lawn nibbling on tree leaves but they WILL find you first.
Alfred Conkling Coxe Jr. | Fun Fact: Looks enough like Ian Curtis of Joy Division for people to go “yeah, I see it.”
Henrietta Chesterfield | Fun Fact: Runs a YouTube channel that hates on mumble rap.
Peleg Sprague | Fun Fact: Went to the same high school as her friend Gerard.
The Sisters Fitzroy | Fun Fact: H I V E M I N D H I V E M I N D H I V E M I N D
Carolina Edgecumb | un act: key in between ‘d’ and ‘g’ is broken.
Bushrod Washington | Mean ole grandpa with a martyr complex and an addiction to Instagram polls. Viva Heckler!
Fortune St. Albans | Can be found going about his merry way.
Glocktopus Squid Prime | Understood by scholars to be the preeminent species in this world of human life that is now extinct in a number is called a blank species which of these species are the best example is a blank is a species of squid.
Bouglia Bol Bowl | Wasn’t let out the cage much as a child.
Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT | Is a c***s****** d***loving s** ** * b**** who has a passion for b***f****** and p**********, when possible.
Antipope Innocent III | Sorry I can’t, I have bible study.
Grantland Mice
Tippi Feathers
Ranth Rue
Erasmus D Campbell
Mary-Anne Betsy-Ross
Associated Press NewsWire
Ezra PP Starkweather
Demar Divicenzo Derozan
Enid Bagnold of Rottingdean
Cicero Sheboygan Comstock
Whom It May Concern
Geoffrey the Handsome
Frances Lumley Saunderson
Superintendent B. Gauche
Hamilton Rice Jr.
Psir Pseudonym III
Mordecai Wong
Grangopoulos Zefiro
Marcus Antonius Rubius
Little Rock Anthony
ChatCBT
Eighteen Naked Cowboys
“exquisitely clever and laugh-out-loud funny” – The Hoya
“Ridiculously hilarious” – my.georgetown.edu
“A great source of procrastination” – The Hoya
“Stop crowding our spotlight” – The Georgetown Independent
“I’d love to take credit for this” – YaleToday.com
“A Georgetown [Heckler] article…triggered …immediate and huge reaction” – The Harvard Crimson
“idiots.” – People with Intelligence
The Hoya Covers Us Sticking it to The Man (August 2007)
The Hoya Interviews Jon Rapoport (January 2007)
“Spurned” by the Harvard Lampoon (August 2004)
The Georgetown Heckler is not affiliated with Georgetown University. All of the material on this website is property of The Georgetown Heckler and may not be reproduced without permission (for permissions, just let us know and we’ll probably say yes). All names used in our articles are fictional, except for obviously real, public-figure-ish people like GU President Jack DeGioia, Hillary Clinton, and Gumby. As for these obviously real people, none of what appears in this publication is intended to be harmful, and we apologize in advance for hurt feelings and/or bruised egos. Especially to you, Mr. DeGioia.
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