We’ve all been there: You’re walking with a friend of yours—one you might even say is your “best friend”—and when you two run into Professor Grimm, who asks how you know each other, you each simultaneously give two different answers. Two answers that differ in letter by only one word but differ in spirit by […]

Witnesses report seeing Dylan Partner, 22, at the Grassy Knoll at 12:31 this past Friday, November 22, 1963. Reports state he was seemingly calm, lounging with an umbrella under the Texan sun. However, this is where the clarity ends, as conflicting accounts attest he was either skipping and humming away from the scene after the […]

Twenty people. Ten. Five. Fuck. Gavin Toodle (CAS ‘27) is now next in line at Tombs. He’s young for his year—only just turned 19. And he doesn’t even have one of those fuckass rich people Euro fakes that confuse the bouncers. He’s with his best friends, Mark Wafflehome, 20, and Peter Childs, 19. One after […]

“He’s just… bad for our brand,” said Adolf, 56, regarding Kanye West’s recent antisemitic Twitter resurgence. “We’ve spent decades—almost a century!—trying to systemize, strategize, and dehumanize, and then he pulls this shit with a 10-second Super Bowl ad? Fuck that. Talk to me when you can spell Zyklon B.” “It’s not that we didn’t try […]

Are we really still doing this, people? Listen, soup is alright, but it’s been in the spotlight for way too long. It’s really not all that–at this point, it’s getting a little embarrassing. And you know what else? I didn’t spill French onion soup down my suit and dress shirt on Wednesday night. That’s laughable. […]

We, the Hecklers, cannot keep our silence any longer. It has been over two full months under the new Editor-in-Chief’s reign, and culture is dying. Since taking office, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, has ruined the club, and we Hecklers are here to blow the lid off this thing.  For starters, she’s a woman, […]

You’re in luck! The Heckler is selling Dylan Partner. Dylan combines cutting-edge innovation with exceptional quality, making it the perfect addition to your own personal collection or even a gift for mom this holiday season. Details: Whether you’re upgrading your everyday routine or just treating yourself, this is the gift you’ve been waiting for. Act […]

When I walked into my theology class for the first time, before add/drop had ended, mind you (as I am a serious student), I was stunned silent for the entire 75 minutes. The class, titled Biblical Literature, could really have been about anything if you ask me.  My professor asked to be called Father. I […]

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5. Salvador Dali. Thin, elegant, ever so delicate. Some would say his stache was his finest piece of art. Others say there is a tiny elf that is perched on the end of it, whispering hymns and riddles to inspire Dali. 4. Groucho Marx. Angular, geometric, intentional. A man with black grease paint and a […]