The Georgetown Heckler

News | January 18, 2017

Trump Issues Apology, Takes Responsibility for Rising Demand for IUDs


In response to recent figures showing a dramatic rise in demand for IUDs since his election, the President Elect released a statement recognizing that “it is understandably difficult for the women of this great nation to cope with the prospect of a President who possesses so many attractive qualities”. Trump affirmed that, while ‘flattered’, “[he] will be remaining faithful to [his] wife, Melania.”

His office expects this news to come as a disappointment for the thousands of women who have hurried to have contraceptive devices implanted with the ostensible expectation of sesadtrump2ducing Mr. Trump.

Other fringe theories have been put forth to explain this phenomenon, citing the potential defunding of Obamacare and planned parenthoods across the nation, or the inferior capacity of women to create independent thought as reasons for the sudden surge.

Trump has supported his conclusion about the cause of this trend by citing, local woman Karen Morris, who also told the Heckler she considered it “incredibly urgent” to get an IUD that she made an appointment the day after the election.

As demand for IUDs continues to rise across the nation, Trump asserted that women like Morris must be holding onto hope that he will consider violating the sanctity of his marriage in response to public outcry.