The Georgetown Heckler

News | March 1, 2017

Jungle Still Best Place to be Raised By Gorillas


DEMOCRATIC REPULIBC OF CONGO – Despite many competing competitors, the Jungle has again won the title of being the best place to be raised by gorillas.

“Every year, we conduct a study with the aim of finding the best possible habitat, surroundings, and geography for a little kid to be taught how to live by a bunch of wild gorillas,” said zoologist Daniel Hankins, “but no surprise, the Jungle took the cake as always.”

Rivals San Diego Zoo and the Florida Panhandle came close to the Jungle at many data points, but failed to demonstrate that a human child would be better off being raised there by a troop of gorillas, as opposed to the lush, dense forests of eastern Africa.

“We always say, then the gorillas are happy, the human child that we let raise them would probably be happier too,” commented lead researcher, Debora Winstead, “sometimes they flail the kid around or try to run the little toddler off, but this behavior seems to dramatically decrease when they are in their most suitable habitat – the Jungle.”

The study concluded quite decisively that should a child be raised by some band of gorillas, it would be best to avoid downtown Chicago or the northern article circle – the least ranked locations.