The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 21, 2017

Trump Unable to Sell Ivanka’s Virginity a Second Time, Forces Her To Have White House Job Instead


The Trump administration has been criticized in recent weeks for the apparent nepotism at play in the appointing of Ivanka Trump as an official advisor to the President.

Trump defended giving his daughter such a prominent role in the administration, saying that since she was already married, he could not secure her position in society by selling her virginity for a second time.

“As Ivanka’s relevance to society wanes along with her childbearing years, the men in her life have struggled to envision a productive future for her. It is hoped that by giving her something somewhat productive to do on a day to day basis the Trump family can mitigate the increasing cost-benefit ratio of supporting her financially,” said the family’s lawyer.

Citing the fact that her maidenhead is no longer viable, Trump claims that he had no choice but to place his daughter among the highest ranks of his advisory team. Says Trump, “Tiffany is still worth a few donkeys, but Ivanka really just has nothing to offer on her own anymore.”

Trump lamented the fact that he indulged his daughter for so many years, allowing her to attend college as well as run a multimillion dollar company. He continued that her two children are a testament to this waste of fertility, and that they represented such a small fraction of all that Ivanka could have achieved if managed with a firmer hand.

Jared Kushner, Ivanka’s husband, has reacted surprisingly to his wife’s new position. His lack of protest at the move, which involves would involve a woman driving, speaking publicly, and reading, can be explained by the fact that he is currently saving up for a new concubine and thus is happy for the additional household income.

Once permitted by her father to speak, Ivanka herself stated “My position as an educated woman in this presidential administration has the potential to greatly improve the situation for wom—“ She did not finish the rest of her statement, as a man in the room requested a drink of water halfway through.