WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of one of the cutest little protests you ever did see, the Australian children’s music group The Wiggles announced in a press release that they would decline President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to perform at the White House. “We have heard the first words of our infant fans, and they […]

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Family and friends announced with confidence today that Carter-era Vice President Walter Mondale remains a living human being. The 1984 democratic presidential nominee has been reported as walking, interacting with other people, and sleeping at regular intervals. Despite frequent references to being a senator in the 1960s, Mondale seems to have a […]

LEAVEY CENTER — In hopes of boosting the realism and turnout for their upcoming “Murder Mystery Dinner” in Hoya Court, Georgetown Program Board member Colin Bligh (COL ’18) has authorized his clubmates to gruesomely kill him at the outset of the event. “It will be a really fun night for students to break out of […]

“This wasn’t necessary until you put all of those chairs there,” said the prophet.

LIVING ROOM — The creepy-crawly community was in solemn mourning today as the Bug Intelligence Service announced that the death toll from the barbaric ceiling light above the coffee table has risen to 18 since the beginning of the month. “The situation has been heating up,” chirped Mayor Adalbert McCricket, “The families of those insects […]

BURLINGTON, VT – Senator Bernie Sanders spent the week reshingling the roof of his Vermont home with leftover yard signs from his unsuccessful presidential campaign. “They weren’t doing any good in the garage,” explained the lawmaker while taking a seltzer break, “This way I avoid the huge prices maintained by the construction industry, and I’ll be […]