CAMBRIDGE, M.A. – A recent report out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that goggles is a funny word when you think about it too much. “Goggles. Gog-gles. Gles, gles, gles. Gog Gog Gog. GAWWWWWWggles,” stated lead researcher Dunston Ferris, “Yup. At a minimum 5 times goggles repeatedly becomes a darn silly word.” […]
ACROSS THE COUNTRY – The nation was rocked today as over 10 million Patriots fans arose from their hibernation period, which extended back as far as Feb 2, 2015. Scientists have still been unable to explain the nature of these Patriots fans; the only discernible characteristic is that they will only come out for the Super Bowl […]
It’s that time of the year again. Everyone across the nation is lacing up their sneakers, adjusting their hats, slipping into their lucky Bart Simpson socks. These moments are cherished; but no one ever thinks twice about their ritual. That is why this year we at the Heckler don’t just call, but beg, for the nation […]
NEW CANAAN, CT — After a long day of paperwork and a few loads of laundry, local mom Janet Milner declared she still “just needed to finish up a few things” before getting ready for dinner. “I figured I’ll be fun mom and let the kids order in dinner tonight while I schedule ballet practice,” […]
ROCHESTER, MN – Biologists at the Mayo Clinic published a report on Tuesday, representing the culmination of years of research starting in 2010. The report contained the astonishing conclusion that the last baby to grow up to be a Republican has already been born. “This either happened faster than expected or took way longer than it should […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 100 years ago on October 5, 1892, our 23rd President forgot remembered to shave for the first mother’s annual visit to the White House. Crowds flocked all the way from Baltimore to South East DC, hoping to see one of Mrs. Harrison’s famous wise cracks about her son’s unkempt nature. Once word […]
DARNALL HALL – Earlier this week, reports came in that freshman Grace Stevens (COL ’18) was seen hugging each individual of the 20 person mob from her new club knocking on her door. “In one word: surreal. Just all the people who I’m guaranteed to love because they all applied to the same thing I applied to!” Stevens […]