BRIDGEPORT, WV – Remarking on how nice it would be to be out of the dark, miserably hot coal mines, local miner Eric Harriot expressed his dream of finally living the high life serving food at a McDonalds. “Some people just don’t know how good they have it,” continued Harriot, “I’d kill for the chance […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a botched beef stroganoff and two hours of circular, overly-polite conversation, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly re-ensured his six miserable dinner guests that they were, in fact, having a wonderful time. “Why do keep using that word? ‘Boring’. We didn’t use that word. It’s not boring. People need to understand how […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to sources in a lackluster senior’s closet, this freshly pressed blue suit is ready to score John Mitchell (COL’ 17) a job. While Mitchell has few desirably qualities and is overall a mediocre candidate, this well-fitted and starkly pressed two-piece is positive that it can outshine any and all of Mitchell’s […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reflecting on the changing times and rising costs in a globalizing world, sources report K Street Lobbyist Jack Michaelson fondly remembered when he could bribe a U.S. Senator for just a nickel. “When I was young, my company would give me two dimes and a quarter, I’d go down to the local […]

A recent study from John Hopkins University has shown that as many as one out of five people in the United States are unaware that they have schizophrenia, and that there’s a good chance that you’re one of them. The study explained that due to the reality-shaping nature of schizophrenia, many of those affected are […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After a rocky season plagued by student protest, surprising defeats, and team issues, Georgetown Men’s Basketball Coach John Thompson III told reporters that, “I could stand in the middle of McDonough Arena and shoot a freshman and the administration would still love me. It’s crazy.” Despite polls suggesting otherwise, Coach Thompson has […]

GEORGETOWN – After executing almost two-thirds of a complicated lecture on corrosive inorganic solutions, chemistry professor Dr. Elizabeth Cornwell expressed that she could not quite figure out just how this particular slide got into the powerpoint. Dr. Cornwell did not miss a beat for nearly 45 minutes, touching on each diagram and every word of […]

CLEVELAND, OHIO – Take that socialism! Libertarians everywhere cheered last Tuesday when Derrick Clarkson of Cleveland took the last eight hot buffalo wings from the buffet at Golden Corral, exactly as he should. The Free Market system is the only way to regulate the relation of goods, money, and man. And Mr. Clarkson embraced that […]

DEMOCRATIC REPULIBC OF CONGO – Despite many competing competitors, the Jungle has again won the title of being the best place to be raised by gorillas. “Every year, we conduct a study with the aim of finding the best possible habitat, surroundings, and geography for a little kid to be taught how to live by […]