Eyewitnesses described it as “cordial chaos” and “pleasantries run amok.” Several witnesses reported seeing individuals leave the scene completely socially bewildered.

Sources report the event, an ESCAPE retreat ice breaker, began innocently enough. “Letʼs go around and just say our name and where weʼre from,” ESCAPE leader Neal Chaudhuri (Col ʼ16) purportedly said to initiate the retreatʼs 36 hours of events designed to give Georgetownʼs freshman a chance to unwind from the stress of the hilltop. The circle, spread out in Georgetownʼs retreat lodge in Maryland, quickly descended into confusion after only a few people had spoken.

Bystanders say the initial problems began after retreater Julia Callinghan (Col ʼ17) said her name. “And…. what was the second thing?” she asked as Chaudhuri buried his head in his knees.

“Iʼm in the SFS,” she added over audible groans.

“That really just threw the whole vibe of the introductions off,” said ESCAPE leader Madeleine Ringwald (Col ʼ16), “We never recovered from that.”

“Iʼm sorry Iʼm terrible at thinking of a fun fact about myself,” inexplicably began John Hayesworth (MSB ʼ17) before even saying his name.

By the time the fifth person had spoken it also became painstakingly clear that many couples had already paired off and begun mating rituals.

“I realized pretty quickly the hopelessness of the situation,” said Chaudhuri. “I was speculating that perhaps it could mercifully be over quickly and we could just move on to the next activity. I was wrong.” The agony was protracted by freshmenʼs continued pauses as they struggled to recall the questions being asked of them and were more focused on what things to say which would make them sound cool, interesting, funny, charming, but all while not trying too hard, ya know?

“Iʼm going to be honest I was not paying attention to what was going on,” said Brendan Ritch (Col ʼ17), not even feigning interest, when it became his turn to begin speaking.

“My spirit animal is BEYONCE!” interjected Michelle Peartel (NHS ʼ17) despite it clearly not even being her turn to speak.

“I wasnʼt expecting it to turn to shit that quickly,” said Ringwald, “I donʼt know anyoneʼs name nor do I even feel comfortable enough to make small talk with them.”

The Office of Campus Ministries declined to comment on the story.