WASHINGTON – A time traveler from the year 2100 arrived today in the nation’s capital with assurances that despite facing overwhelming challenges, humanity’s political, economic, and social structures would remain intact well into the future. Appearing “out of the goddamn blue” according to federal agent Mike Weathers, a humanoid figure stepped out of what appeared to be a miniature electrical storm in the northwest corner of the White House Rose Garden. After demanding the exact date and local time from gardening staff, the traveler was quickly restrained by security personnel and escorted to a holding cell.
According to unnamed sources, a brief conversation then took place between the visitor and senior White House officials in which the time traveler remotely disarmed Secret Service officers with a biomechanical wristband and “a look of smug satisfaction”. The traveler, or “Hugh Mon” as he identified himself, was promptly granted access to the White House Press Corps for a vital speech detailing how the human race had somehow overcome the unprecedented number of financial, environmental, and geopolitical crises it faced in the 21st century.
“I would like to assure all of my fellow Hooman-Bings that everything totally works out and that no major reforms whatsoever are needed to your, I mean OUR, species’ carbon emission levels, extremist ideologies, or planetary governmental structures” Hugh pledged to the correspondents gathered in the West Wing.
“Why you, sorry, we, even managed to somehow defeat an alien invasion by the Geckites; a proud race of reptilian warriors chosen by God to purge the Universe of all lesser species!” exclaimed the chuckling visitor, who upon closer examination appeared to possess slightly scaled skin and “an awful lot more teeth than your Average Joe.”
Holding back tears of laughter and punctuating his statements by licking his lips with what appeared to be a forked tongue, the time traveler went on to explain that despite perpetual economic crises, a totalitarian monitoring of all electronic and personal communication, constant super-storms, endless military conflict, and the inability of national governments to function at even a basic level, the seeds of humanity’s certain doom were absolutely NOT sown in the year 2014.
Audible sighs of relief filled the room as Hugh revealed that “The completely necessary and strategically vital U.S.-led invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Egypt, China, Greenland, Aruba, Palau, that annoying French part of Canada and Cincinnati, Ohio in no way shape or form exhausted the armed forces of the world and left them vulnerable to an attack by bloodthirsty alien lizard-men.”
Suddenly announcing that he “really had to use the bathroom”, time traveler Hugh Mon reportedly ended his speech by rushing toward the nearest exit as spiked plates began to erupt without warning from his clothing and the sound of maniacal, reptilian laughter filled the air.
