NEW SOUTH — Citing two weeks of fruitless advances on Georgetown’s female population, Freshman Aidan Johnson (MSB ’18) decided to take drastic action to mask his failures from his peers.

After failing to entice floor mate Hannah Sanders (COL ’18) to return with him to his room on the fourth floor of New South Saturday night, Johnson returned to his room just before midnight frustrated and embarrassed.

Taking matters into his own hands, Johnson struck his neck repeatedly from close range with his ECON 331: Advanced Business Statistics textbook to mimic the popped capillaries that also occurs with a hickey.

Although at first he says he was “unsure” if a fake hickey was the best way to proceed, after weighing the pros and cons Johnson said this option allowed him to communicate his message of unquestionable sexual activity.

“It clearly says ‘hell yeah I’m gettin’ some’,” said Johnson who spent fourteen sexless and sleepless nights after New Student Orientation questioning his identity.

Other options Johnson considered to mask his previous shortcomings included:

Pretending to be constantly on Skype with a fake long distance girlfriend

Claiming to be a Jesuit

Never coming out of his room

Johnson considered the initial trial run of his “hickey” a smash success.

“There’s no way I’m not the talk of the floor with this thing,” said Johnson pointing the bruise on his neck of which he was currently basing 73% of his self worth on.

Johnson’s acquaintances, however, were a more skeptical.

“He kept walking around all day with his neck really far out like a giraffe,” said his roommate Garret Dase (COL ’18).

“I’ll be honest I have no idea what’s up with [his] neck,” said his friend Marcus Terrace (COL ’18). “Every time I ask him about it he just gives me this weird wink and says don’t worry about it.”

“It looks like his neck got run over by a dump trunk,” added classmate Sheila Wilmington (SFS ’18).