Cartwright’s best hope for a respectable GPA.

HENLE 44— As the news of the diagnosis of the first case of ebola on American soil, a feeling relief swept through Henle 44 and through David Cartwright (MSB ’17) who has “been having a really rough go about it this semester” in the classroom.

After a particularly brutal first few midterms in Elements of Political Theory and Macro Economics courses, Cartwright was elated to read online that one of the world’s most deadly viruses had arrived in the United States with the potential to cause enough havoc to cancel the remainder of the semester.

If the superbug, which destroys a persons innards, were to reach the District of Columbia, Cartwright speculated that President John DeGioia would have no choice but to cancel the semester and erase the subpar grades Cartwright has received thus far.

“If I’m lucky maybe I’ll even get credit for the class without a grade,” said Cartwright. “It all depends on the timing of the thing I guess.”

Calling a clean slate on his transcript caused by a national pandemic “a break he deserved,” Cartwright promised that he would “step it up” in future semesters provided there were enough survivors to continue the university.

An opportunity such as this one would give Cartwright a chance to graduate with honors and put his marketing degree to use with any remaining powerhouse advertising firm in the post- apocalyptic world.

“God this is so sweet if I live through it,” said Cartwirght.

Although, experts cautioned that Cartwright’s relief may pan out to be fool’s gold such as when several dozen students in 2008 pinned their hopes of not having to take International Relations on the Swine Flu decimating civilization.