HARBIN — A recently-released report from the Georgetown Office of Sustainability projected that by 2065 flyers will make Georgetown’s main campus uninhabitable.
While applauding the noble and selfless efforts of campus facilities to combat the issue, the report finds that over the past quarter century the level of flyering on Georgetown’s campus has surged some 230%.
While the Red Square archway has been able to successfully bear the brunt the flyering, experts predict that the natural barrier from flyering will eventually be worn down by 2023 and cause catastrophic flooding into the ICC, White-Gravenor and surrounding walkways.
Rising flyer levels are projected to overwhelm the front lawn by 2050 and force the remaining student body into secure structures.
Experts predict that within 10 years Red Square will be one large pile of flyers.
Administration and student body leaders were adamant that they were prepared for rising flyer levels.
“Yes, we are well aware of the report,” said Campus Plan Management Dan Bogarts. “For instance with the Northeast Triangle we have built it so it is completely flyer proof. Students should be safe from harmful levels of flyering in new residences such as this.”
“As we are almost always in Red Square we are some of the most likely to feel the first effects of these flyering levels,” said H*yas for Choice representative Emily Weintenurg (MSB ’16). “But by then I’m sure we will be a university sanctioned group with access to benefits such as shelter.”
Deniers postulate, however, that the report is overblown and misleading.
“Frankly this issue is not as dire as they say. The issues at hand may not be entirely student made,” said sophomore Candice Sanders (MSB ’17), a self-proclaimed skeptic.
“What we’re looking at could be the natural waxing and waning of the GUSA season. Some things like that are just beyond our control.”
In order to achieve an acceptable level of sustainability, the report concluded that each student would have to dramatically reduce their “Flyer Footprint” from the current average of 25 flyers a semester down to 7.89 per semester
