LAU 2 — With an iPhone holding less than 2% of its battery and his charger several blocks away, Junior Hayden Dumeir (COL ’16) told reporters that he will be temporarily lifting most parameters for friendship.

Dumeir (COL ’16) said that he will not attempt to befriend any individual charger but instead focus on their owner.

Reneging most core requirements such as mutual interests or sense of humor, Dumeir said that although “nothing is final yet” the new focus of his requirements for friendship will most likely be a person’s ability to lend him their iPhone 5 charger.

“I’ve thought about it carefully,” said Dumeir. “I think now is really the right time for me to explore new options in friendship.”

Dumeir went on to say that it was “really just time to spice things up – friend wise.”

“In the past I’ve really stuck to same old ‘do I like their personality?’ type guidelines and that was okay, but I’d really like to meet new people and their iPhone 5 chargers.”

Dumeir pointed on several people on the second floor who he could now see himself being friends with.

“Like Dave over there,” said Dumeir. “Yeah we haven’t talked since freshman year, but I think I might be ready to give that friendship and his iPhone charger another chance.”

“Plus there’s probably so many cool people with iPhone 5 chargers I just haven’t met yet.”