LEAVEY CENTER — As a full moon approaches at the end of the month, Mesoamerican long count calendars warn that soon the world will reach the date of the apocalypse.
For as it is foretold in the calendars “the day will come when the fight song is not sung ad nauseum and the two week rules falters in front of us.”
Recovered artifacts suggest that the Mayan people may have predicted the ultimate day of the earth’s existence or, as Georgetown University Department of Archaeology has called it, the day of “Total NSOver.”
Freshman Jeff Masterson (MSB ’18) says that he first became aware of his impending doom during initial introductions to the rest of his NSO group.
Masterson informed the Heckler, “After telling everyone about my sick freshman crib (DarFour, where you at?) and my summer trip to Spain, this kid started screaming ‘Your first and last trip! The end days are upon us!’”
The individual in question, Pedro Celestino Yac-Noj, was identified in security footage by his GoCard, which was clearly displayed in a nautical NSO lanyard.
Masterson immediately became concerned when Yac-Noj was absent from the “mandatory” Marino workshop, but sources at Vittles indicate that Yac-Noj was seen clearing out shelves of distilled water and nutella before disappearing to a self-constructed bunker in the Healy tunnels.
Signs made by Yac-Noj and his followers appeared in Copley Lawn with statements like, “Fly you fools” and “the days of name games are over!”
Others in the NSO community had a different reaction. The Heckler spoke with three-time OA Josh Bradley who assured us that we must “believe in the divine power of the Icebreakers to protect us from such an occurrence.”
He murmured the regular prayer mantra of “It’ll never be NSOver” before he quickly began rounding up a game of Ninja as a protective measure.
The board of New Student Orientation has also recently distributed a pamphlet to help OAs entitled, “Finding an NSO Crush for the End of the World.”
Though the administration has not released a formal statement from the university in these tense times, during his convocation speech President John J. DeGioia ordered that Dahlgren Chapel be renamed “The Temple of the Almighty Yik’in Chan K’awiil” and has not been seen or heard from since.
At press time, followers were strengthening the doomsday bunker with materials intended to survive the impending apocalypse, including reinforced steel, duct tape, and Corp coffee.
