Multi-Sport Field – Georgetown University’s football team celebrated the end of the 2014 season today by awarding each player a special trophy for participation.

After beating Holy Cross to end the season 3-8, head coach Rob Sgarlata called his players together for an end-of-season ceremony.

“Great hustle today, guys,” Sgarlata told the team. “You’ve given it your all this entire season and I’m proud of each and everyone one of you. Remember: no matter what other people say, you’re all winners in my book.”

Sgarlata then brought out a large cardboard box of participation trophies which he distributed to all the players, pausing each time so every team member could have a proper round of applause.

The trophies, each produced from $5.89 worth of gold-colored Chinese plastic, feature a smiling, anthropomorphic football and the phase, “If you had fun, you won!” None of the trophies are individually engraved; that plaque on each reads: “For Outstanding Participation.”

After all the trophies had been distributed, Coach Sgarlata had one more surprise in store for his players.

“Who wants Capri Sun?” he asked, handing out juice pouches to the giddy players.

Many of the football players’ parents reported they were going to put the trophy somewhere in the house where “everyone can see it.”

According to Wayne and Janet Rafter, parents of 300- pound defensive lineman Tony Rafter (COL ‘16), the participation trophies are a source of positive reinforcement.

“American sports culture is too competitive,” says Janet. “These trophies remind the team that what counts isn’t winning, but putting in the effort and having a good time. Our Tony is a sensitive boy and getting recognized for his contribution to the team is a huge boost to his self-esteem.”

“Tony keeps every participation trophy he ever earned,” Wayne adds. “From Little League through college, he has them all proudly displayed on his bookshelf back home. And I’ll tell you one thing: Tony has impressed a lot of ladies with his ‘All-American Participant’ trophy.”

Those most likely to settle the issue of participation trophies are the players themselves, among whom the token awards appear to be extremely popular. Unfortunately, none of the players was available for comment. At press time, the team was all piling into Coach Sgarlata’s minivan to go celebrate their season with a pizza party at the local Chuck E. Cheese’s.