SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans for billions of people around the globe were put in jeopardy yesterday after Russian President Vladimir Putin invaded the North Pole.
The precipitating cause of the crisis appears to be Santa Claus’ recent decision to put Putin on the naughty list.
“I gave Putin every opportunity to clean up his act,” said Santa. “I told him, ‘I see you when you’re sleeping; I know when you are smuggling tanks into the Donbas region of Ukraine.’”
Putin responded to Santa’s official censure by surreptitiously dispatching 5,000 Russian soldiers into the Arctic. Overnight, hundreds of masked elves in unmarked uniforms surrounded Santa’s Workshop, which is currently under a state of siege. When questioned, they merely described themselves as a local elf self-defense unit which has arisen in response to repressive working conditions.
“They’ve been holding sham referenda everywhere they go,” Santa bemoans. “Putin has already annexed the Sea of Swirly Twirly Gumdrops and all seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest.”
In the face of international outrage, Putin has denied any Russian involvement in the conflict.
“There are no Russian forces currently engaged anywhere in the North Pole,” Putin said in an interview with Rossiyskaya Gazeta. “What we have been witnessing in the Arctic is a secessionist movement by a population of elves who wish to break free from the yoke of the fascists in power at Santa’s Workshop.”
Yet Santa says that he is under no illusions as to who the real culprit is.
“Let me ask you this: you ever seen a six-foot tall elf carrying an AK-47? Putin literally just bought the leftover pointy ears from Peter Jackson’s Hobbit movie, slapped them on his soldiers, and sent them into combat.”
The United States’ SANTACOM (not to be confused with New York Santacon) confirmed the nationality of the fighters by pointing to several “elfies” posted by the Russian soldiers on Instagram that clearly show them torching Santa’s reindeer stables.
The United Nations Security Council has been called into emergency session, but time may be running out as Putin threatens to cut off natural gas exports to Santa. The North Pole is heavily reliant on Russian gas for its energy needs, and Santa has already asked the IMF for funds he can use to purchase Saudi gas.
“I live on a damn ice flow,” Santa explained, “about the only resources we have here are tinsel and snow. But in spite of that, I’m also expected to be one of the world’s main exporters of coal. And now I can’t even afford to keep the lights on. Give me a frickin’ break!”
With Putin showing no signs of backing down, many analysts have questioned whether Santa will be able to complete all necessary toy production before Christmas.
“Forget about the toys!” Santa said. “As long as these Russians are sitting there with surface-to-air missiles, I’m not flying out of here on Christmas Eve. Rudolph and the boys have no intention of becoming the next Malaysian Airlines Flight 17.”
Calling Putin’s invasion “yet another shot fired in the War on Christmas,” Senator John McCain has introduced a bill in Congress that would authorize President Obama to use American air power to dislodge the Russian troops.
At press time, Obama was expected to announce a more moderate slate of sanctions on Russian ballet troupes traveling to the West to perform The Nutcracker.
