GEORGETOWN HOTEL — In a school-wide address last Tuesday, University President John DeGioia lamented that Georgetown, a university with an on-campus hotel, is in dire need of student housing to meet its 2027 campus plan requirements.

Georgetown, whose on-campus hotel is capable of holding over 500 people at a single time, has been forced to cordon off large segments of its campus to build several dorms before reconverting any existing buildings in order to solve this impossibly difficult situation.

“It is highly unfortunate that our only option was to first begin construction all over campus,” said DeGioia from the lobby of the functioning hotel.

One alumnus, Jon Diamond (COL ’73) told the Heckler, while reclining on a plush chaise in the lobby of the Georgetown Hotel, that he simply could not fathom a way to meet the ambitious campus plan besides building several new dorms and isolating a large segment of campus.

“If only there were a building on campus that we could have converted into a dorm first before all of this construction,” huffed Diamond. “Maybe the Lau cubicles?”

At press time DeGioia could be seen frustratedly banging his head against the wall of his presidential penthouse suite unable to fathom a way that Georgetown could accommodate its student body without such constricting levels of construction.