AMERICA– After a month into 2015, a recent Gallup poll found that 98% of Americans are already looking forward to a “fresh start” in 2016.

Over two thirds of respondents were reportedly surprised that, despite the year not being 2014 any longer, the world is still a cold, violent, and unforgiving place.  Leroy Donovan, a Washington, DC mailman, was particularly taken aback at his own lack of commitment to keeping a gym membership.

“I know that where in the Earth’s arbitrary revolution around the Sun can’t possibly do something like increase my work ethic or make me enjoy treadmills,” said Donovan.  “But what happened to ‘New year, new me’?  I feel cheated.”

Terrorist organizations and oppressive powers seem indifferent to the slight numerical change on the Gregorian calendar.

“It’s like, they don’t even care that it’s 2015 now and everything is supposed to be better,” said Hannah Isles, a security analyst for the U.S. State Department in reference to the perpetrators of the overall terrible state of affairs around the world.

Donovan, though, remains hopeful.  “2015 failed to make me a better person.  But 2016?  That sounds promising.”