INDIANAPOLIS – A source close to the team reported that late Saturday night following their devastating loss to the Utes, the Georgetown basketball team requested that their charter plane land briefly in Indianapolis, IN, to steal the NCAA championship trophy.

Coach John Thompson III, whose team hasn’t reached the Sweet Sixteen since 2007, made the sudden call after noticing that the team was, “down in the dumps.”

The team broke into the empty Lucas Oil Stadium and pantomimed winning the championship game against an imaginary challenger before taking the trophy and running.

Team manager Joe Starks (COL ’16) told The Heckler that the players asked staffers to stand on the sidelines of the empty arena and make cheering noises while the team simulated buzzer beater shots. “D’Vauntes Smith-Rivera was yelling ‘swish’ while pretending to make 3-pointers. It was hard to watch,” said Starks

“I just wanted to know what it was like to hold the real thing,” wept Josh Smith, his tears creating a small puddle. “The replica that I cuddle with could never compare.”

Thompson expressed no remorse for the theft. “My boys are the best, so they deserve the best. No more shitty little participation trophies this year,” exclaimed Thompson as he placed a cardboard cutout of his father in the front row.

“Sure, we didn’t make it past the second round, but who has the trophy? We do. We have the trophy, so I’ll let the country decide who really gets to call themselves the winners here.”

According to Starks, Senior guard Jabril Trawick attempted to cut down one of the nets, but the plane needed to leave before he could do so.